This me I be
After a hectic second week as a home based funeral coach, which saw me in Cardiff, Bridgend, and Swindon, the weekend was split between a full Saturday and a fuck all Sunday. I met up with Myles on Saturday and we played with all of his new toys – transformers, more transformers (the kid has […]
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My new job as a funeral coach is predominately home-based, and that’s great for a number of reasons: Never late for work! No commute! I finish work, I’m home with an actual click of the fingers! Sorted! Life is grand! I can get used to this. But I hadn’t taken into account that I work […]
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Where? After a quick google, here: A decidedly random place to end a Sunday, but with the new job starting in Yeovil this morning, rather understandable. Saturday, I went to walk into town, got as far as the end of the road and had to turn back ’cause I’ve never been so wet, at least […]
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I need to master this set-off time lark for when I set-off on long journeys. I always end up in rush-hour traffic on some carpark that’s supposed to be a motorway, and if I every tell you I enjoy it I’m a liar. Can’t stand it. I think, LET’S KEEP MOVING, PEOPLE! I set-off for […]
Read moreIt started mildly with a mild migraine, that sensation that I’m about 30 minutes away all day. Very meh feeling, exaserbating other things that make me feel meh. Gloomy gus. I’m starting a new job soon YAY! Very different. More me. Finding the thought daunting. I’ve never assessed someone in a funeral home before. Arranged […]
Read moreI drove to Wales on Friday and enjoyed a lovely detour over the heads of the valleys. Before the freedom of the countryside, I felt the bustle of humanity as we crawled along the M4 behind an abnormally wide load convoy being moved at rush hour. Great fun. I’ve told my mother that I’m never […]
Read moreOnions, picked Carrots, plucked. Potatoes, dug up. Rhubarb, tamed. The only things left on the allotment are courgettes, pumpkins, and nettles. For the latter, we’re at war. As of Friday evening, Shaun and I have reclaimed (most of) our paths, lined with carpet, and spent what felt like a decade laying wood chips. Wheelbarrow after […]
Read moreAugust bank holiday means Victorious Festival, which means I can’t park the car if I move it. So Thursday night, I found a parking space and left the car there until this morning. I figured I could walk everywhere, it would be novel. On Friday afternoon I met up with Shaun, Myles, and the rest […]
Read moreI like Autumn. I like good old fashioned Welsh Autumns, wall-to-wall rain. Not these fancy new windy Autumns in Summer. I’m not a fan of wind (musses my hair). We had a lot of wind. Not much rain. Can’t see the point. On Saturday, I was going to head into town but got blown halfway […]
Read moreMy mother has been waiting for her heart valve replacement operation like an inmate on death row. The fact she’s a nurse and knows this sort of business has added a few death sentences I’m sure. She kept telling me that she was going to die on the operating table, and I kept telling her […]
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If you’ve ever been to my home then you know about the pole and tassel set, but unlike my raunchy welcome, I spent Saturday stripping wallpaper. I had this steam woosher and a scraping thing, and it wasn’t the best job. It was awful. I had tit sweat and everything. On Sunday, I was planning […]
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The actual booze-up only lasted a few hours but recovery remains ongoing. It was Jade and Dan’s wedding, and considering they’d made the effort to come over from Australia, I could walk the 100-or-so-yards from my home and get pissed. HAPPY MARRIAGE! I don’t remember much of the night. I remember meeting up with Shaun, […]
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Ever since the dawn of time (at least it feels since then) I’ve been writing something called a ‘person-centred approach to death and dying progression assignment’ — happy stuff! Since I don’t like mentioning things I’ve not finished — I’M DONE!!! I got done last weekend and I’ve been spending all this time trying to […]
Read moreOkay, ‘horticulturist’ might be a bit strong, I finally got ’round to repotting my spider plant after 6 years and I gave it some fancy stones. Its new home is about 4 times the size of the original, and I want to see if its roots have noticed. I’m thinking that I probably should’ve teased […]
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I! LOVE! P!NK! I love her only a little less than Betty White, but there’s no-one I can love more than Betty. P!NK!!!! I saw her on her Funhouse Tour and she was bloody amazing! She barely had her feet on stage she was flinging herself around so vigorously. Throwing herself off something high, swinging […]
Read moreThanks to all the rain I’ve been able to neglect my allotment duties, but after a fortnight of not seeing the place, I thought I should pay a visit. So I did, Saturday. In a word: Jungle. The potato plots, sheer madness. The courgettes have exploded. The onions are like towering stalks, sunflower high (not […]
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I chilled. I probably chilled too much because now I ache. But I felt allowed to chill because I now know that I’m not as unfit as I’d suspected. Unhealthy, maybe. Unfit, no. I went to the Longleat Center Parcs with my father when I was like 9 and loved it. I remember the water […]
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IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! So very old now. Ancient. I split my weekend between having ‘Happy Birthday’ sung at me and packing ready for Center Parcs.. It’s been a nicely chilled affair. Much needed before this week of action ahead…
Read moreSaturday began with a rush on chores — PANIC STATIONS! GET IT DONE! BUSY! BUSY! BUSY! I hate chores. After waiting for the washing machine to final finish, I was out the door, picking up MEAT, and heading to Shaun’s. As his father-in-law sanded-down and re-painted the front door (it was nice to see him […]
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My life, overall, is this: I wake up, usually feeling like shit, and I force down a small bowl of Weetos. The cuppa slides down like a dream. I hike to the car and wonder why people can’t drive at 7am, and get to work where I find another cuppa awaits me. I do work, […]
Read moreJackie was first, jetting in from the Mediterranean. Shaun and Myles came next, cruising home from the West Country. Then came Kayte, limping in after a 29-mile charity walk. And then finally me, I rocked up with my bat hand (still) having had some self-induced nausea that turned into a migraine. I’m getting the low-down […]
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The two Chief Allotmenters, Shaun & Myles, are currently on their jollies leaving lowly old me in charge. There’s going to be dead onions or murdered marrows — something is bound to happen. Anyway, before I know the damage of what I’ve done, I weeded, watered, and planted courgettes. I find weeding is thankless, watering […]
Read moreOther than a few drinks and the allotment to celebrate Shaun’s birthday, and popping to the shop, I’ve been at home doing homework all weekend. I’ve got to give a presentation on the culture of death in Mexico on Wesdnesday. I’ve been doing my best work last minute again.
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Should someone turn to me all snooty-nosed to utter, “Aged 34, you’re a little old for a ‘sleepover’, aren’t you?” I’d agree thus: ‘Cause no-one’s ever too old for that. Saturday was meant to see Shaun, Myles, and me paddle-boarding at a local watersports-festival-come-bike-race, but Storm Hannah had other plans. Due to her high winds, […]
Read moreI don’t like a late Easter. I like Easter in late March / early April, when it should be, when I start thinking that I need a 4-day weekend for a bunny. As an apology for being late, I’m glad to see the weekend was warm. Friday cracked out the shorts, ate a Toby Carvery […]
Read moreCoincidentally, it’s the same weekend, 7 years ago, that I vowed to never arrange another stag do ever again. I remember the weeks and months leading up to Newquay started with me being a very gracious best man and ended with me giving stern words and ultimatums. (There’s always one who agrees to everything but […]
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It all started with the crazy idea I had of driving up to see Laura in Newcastle. From Portsmouth, 340-odd miles. This idea grew into also visiting my parents in Wales, since I haven’t seen them in a while. I had a week off work — it seemed like a brilliant idea! I perused the […]
Read moreVisiting the parents… It’s like the twilight zone – need a sedative.
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Because, at long last, this year’s got Spring in its step, it is potato and onion planting time at the allotment! And Saturday’s job list was quick to say, ergo quick to do: Renew 2 plot-surrounds with Shaun’s fancy only-need-to-screw-together woodwork skills. Decant 3 compost bins over 6 plots. Plant onions in 4 plots, and […]
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SAFETY FIRST!!! Goggles, ✔︎ Lab coat ✔︎ Latex free gloves ✘ (Got me latex ones.) May I continue? Test tubes ✔︎ Bunsen burner ✔︎ Scrap of paper for scientific notations ✔︎ What I’m science’ing ✔︎ IT’S EXPERIMENT TIME!! With the wind howling a gale outside, Jackie and I wanted to prove that a 17-storey high-rise […]
Read more‘Cause I’z filthy
Read moreFor a 4-year-old, his doghouse is cold!
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(I hope from the nondescript whoever reclining on a big green tick you infer ‘SUCCESS!’…)
Read moreLast week, life was a featureless plain. It was me amongst this bland flatness. Mighty bleak. Mighty lonely, too, ’cause I’m a boring piece of shit. Sullen mope. Utter failure. Why even breathe? So fucking pointless. Frustration. And then on Thursday, while in work trying to coax these electrical boards out of the machine, I […]
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I awoke Saturday with 10 fingers and ended the morning with 9.
Read moreSince beginning this driving lark nearly a year ago (yeah, a year! I know! 😲) I’ve been checking my oil, coolant, and screen wash levels roughly when I’ve remembered. On the yoozh, this is when the screen wash has gone and I’ve opened the bonnet, VIOLA! (I like to be smug when possible.) When it […]
Read moreMigraine —
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Originally, this weekend was to celebrate Betty White’s 97th birthday. I’m a super fan. Totally adore the old broad. I once flew all the way to LA to see her. Because she’s basically a distant relative, the Betty White marathon I had planned got forgot. I totally unremembered. I ended up having a Poirot marathon […]
Read moreUsually, when I’m with Kayte we don’t achieve. We have every intention but one thing soon leads to excuses and we get nowhere. We have to book or be so committed our excuses suck to get places. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. This weekend, with Kayte’s visit, we booked cinema tickets. Having […]
Read moreIt was fucking cold. When with heating, it was fucking hot. And it went too quick. It’s true, when it comes to temperature, I’m inclined to overreact. I’m not as fat as I used to be, and I no longer walk in and out of mortuaries all day long, and sometimes it’s the only thing […]
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IT’S ALMOST THAT TIME!!! To get ready, the last weekend of the year went out in style! On Saturday was Christmas Day 2.0 with Myles & co. Mum slaved away in the kitchen while us boys built a rail empire. On Sunday, I found this old man I recognised in a pub and went out […]
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Should auld acquaintance be forgot — shit! That’s a week away! Um I’m too drunk for this! This weekend, I have Got myself to Cornwall. Discovered pink gin and lemonade. Tried to see the festive Mousehole harbour lights but discovered I can’t drive in the Cornwall pitch-black dark so managed 5-miles before hitting the gin. […]
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It was the works do on Saturday, and nice to see everyone tarted up! All except Leigh. Leigh didn’t tart himself up. He might think that he did, but a Power Ranger costume isn’t fine dining attire. The fireworks were a nice touch, though. I liked them. The DJ cancelled on us so the bar […]
Read moreThis is my 2nd weekend in Wales in 2 months that I’ve spent in England. Some might think that I don’t want to visit my parents. And it’s true, last month they didn’t want me. One had a TV being delivered, the other antibiotics. For this month, with it being so close to Christmas, they […]
Read moreIt seems to be coming around quicker every year, Christmas. I suspect, having recently been enlightened on the conspiracy surrounding fluoride, that we’re being lied to. It won’t take much digging by a perfectly focused snooper to discover that the months are being shortened, if not erased entirely, by our governments and big corporations. WHY?! […]
Read moreIt started with day 9 of the same damn vertigo migraine episode — day 9! Ffs, taking the piss! It’s supposed to be 7 days and it fucks off! I don’t handle these migraines well, especially when they’ve been set off because I lost my shit with Natwest. After a week of attempting work and mostly […]
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Thanks to Natwest’s helpfulness, I lost my shit Thursday afternoon. And I know exactly where I lost it, too, in their ears! And as I’ve grown accustomed, losing my shit this way finds me a vertigo migraine. Oh, the joys! I’d rather not lose my shit in the first place, but it can’t be helped […]
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Calling the Jurassic Coast ‘dramatic’ really doesn’t give a sense of just how dramatic it is. If it were a person it would be crowned — MOVE OVER LIZZIE! REAL ROYALTY HERE! There’s a view that it’s dramatic just because it can. Jagged cliffs, crashing waves — a seagull doing somersaults in the wind. It’s […]
Read moreThere isn’t much to be said about this weekend. It had its Saturday and Sunday. It was 48-hours long. It played the hand that Life had dealt. It was good and bad, pretty and ugly. There isn’t much to be said. Amid its love and hopelessness, there was us standing, stood — held taught and caught, […]
Read moreNow that I’m with car, the 3-hour drive to their respective homes almost promotes regular visits through ease alone. It’s a case now of jump in the car and go! No 5-hour train journey. No asking my father to pick me up and drop me home. I’m independent now, baby. But neither parent wanted me. […]
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Adventures in the life of an English allotment
Published Author Site: Prose Poetry Collection
