Mental wellbeing

Dark days

I have my dark days. They are not as dark as the days had once been but they aren’t light filled, aren’t clear and transparent — still thick fog in the dead of night; still lost in a place unknown. They are lonely days. I can’t voice how I feel so no-one can understand, can […]

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Health

Dentist on the 28th, 9am

I need to remember to tell work (if you’re reading, please remind me) that I’ve the dentist on the 28th, 9am. I should really go because I’ve not been since June and after my face exploded (along with a wisdom tooth) I feel it’s my duty to never endure that pain again, so I must! I […]

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Writing

A writer’s New Year in March

For the sake of getting a scene right, it was New Year last night in my house — Auld Lang Syne on repeat for hours and I still don’t know the bloody words. I even celebrated at midnight, popped streamers, a clinked Earl Grey with my reflection. All this to kill the character on the very […]

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A journey of weekends

A weekend with the lads

No girls allowed! Not quite a piss-up in Marbella but our lads weekend was just as crazy. On Saturday we went to a track party, built sandcastles, and jumped in puddles. We ate sausage rolls and dunk ’ems, and a little person got covered in chocolate — got it in his hair, on his sleeves, and in his belly. We saw […]

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Portsmouth Water

10 months at Portsmouth Water

I’m learning to not argue with calendars — they’re all liars but I look crazy shouting at them — so in this spirit, it’s been 10 months since I started at Portsmouth Water! That’s nearly a year! A whole year of seasons and days and doing stuff. As I try and take this diary liar as gospel, […]

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A journey of weekends

A weekend of reaction

March 1st saw this man I know walk out on my mother — he packed his bag, took 1 dog (the other will “get over it”), said some things, and left. He’s been back a couple of times to collect more things, to say more things, and to leave again — this “step-father” is a revolving […]

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Anger

Anger

I hate anger. Anger actually gets me angry, which isn’t particularly helpful. I don’t achieve anything when I’m angry, can’t achieve because I’m too busy looking sullen and being sarcastic — also, I flap when I’m angry. I flap when I’m flustered, but when I’m angry I’m flapping and marching back and forth, and ranting, and cussing, red faced […]

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Mental wellbeing

The goods & the bads inside

In the sense of mind, it is very easy to focus on the bad and negative and not see any good anywhere at all — hard programmed, almost. Very easy indeed. Indifference Fear Anger Sorrow Resentment Frustration Hate They know no different, the bad. Like hellsome toddlers, the bad only knows how to cause havoc and scream […]

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Mental wellbeing

Nasty people & what they should do

People who can’t bring nice to the world should die — that’s just how I see it, it’s my humble opinion — they should be stifled by their skanky souls, should choke on their nasty, and just generally drop down dead to get forgotten. As a rotting corpse I would find their stench much easier to excuse.

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Mental wellbeing

Problems — the solution?

What is the solution to problems, the deep-seated problems begot by life? Is it running away and hoping they won’t find you, or is it standing up to them and showing them you won’t be beaten? If you run they will follow — how far and how long can you run? If you stay they will fight […]

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A journey of weekends

A weekend at the park

Saturday was spent climbing around this adventure play zone at the back of the Clarence pier pub / restaurant. I met up with Jackie and Claire for lunch and Claire’s little Ethan was persuasive in this idea of ‘fun’. It wasn’t too bad. I fit through all the tunnels and I could climb through its […]

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Food

I needed all 9 cupcakes

Earlier today I bought these little cupcakes from Waitrose — 5 chocolate sponge with vanilla cream on top, 4 plain sponge with chocolate cream on top (I fancied a treat) — and I got home, opened the packet, had a plain one, and thought it devilishly nice. Too nice, in fact. I feared I might find […]

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Writing

The excuse of a writer

Like every good writer when I set my mind to a task I see it through to the end. Unfortunately, it isn’t the book but the post manual is coming along great! It’ll soon be finished, though, so I’m in the looking for a new excuse — dread the thought I actually finish my story.

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A journey of weekends, Mental wellbeing

A weekend in the doghouse

I fell out with myself on Saturday — someone let me down and from that, because I know they’re a let down, I gave myself a caning for putting myself through it (again). Stern words, chewed out — I wouldn’t speak to anyone as I choose to speak to myself. As with most rants A begot D and […]

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Mental wellbeing

The hole in me

There is a hole in me, it isn’t large — it is a vacuum that takes only that little bit of me that I sometimes need. It is my strength drawn into this hole, all the little things that spur me on — it is so much of nothing that it barely exists. How can it even be, if […]

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Portsmouth Water

Return to work, a difference

When once I would’ve returned from leave to a sour face and an investigation, today I returned to a thank you card from management and a gift voucher. When once I could’ve inlaid my handovers with diamonds (and still had them ignored), today I got thanked for the work I’ve been putting into managing the post. […]

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A journey of weekends, Holiday

A weekend in Devon

Clutch, and the front door latches behind me. Pooped, me not the door. I’m home! It’s cold. Tea me up! Damn, I need to go get some milk. Hmm… and food. Proper peckish, I am. What do I want? Oh God, it starts already… indecision. I’ve had a handful of nuts, a few cheese biscuits of […]

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Mental wellbeing

The only way out is through

To avoid its name There have been some dreary days making some dreary months, and the days felt like they’d never end even though I watched the sun set and rise and set again. All were the same, none of them new. Echo. These days were thought. Lots of thought — too much — so much that I got […]

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Writing

Sleepy writer

Stuck on a new bit now, I got passed that last bit — it’s the very last bit now, like the beginning of the ending, the near to be done! So close. Damn it. So sleepy. But I want to finish! I don’t want to go to bed, but I must! I’ve got work in the […]

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Things happening

Selfie woes

A decent selfie is a dream. I’ve read about good lighting and the right angling — I’ve watched YouTube videos that say things simple — and I’m either too dim to look decent or only photogenic when I’m not ready. I look like the undead at best, sallow and lifeless. Sometimes I’m lucky but not often. Oh, […]

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Anger

I’ve buried people younger than you!

When somebody pisses me off, when they assume I’m a mind reader and so decide to have a crack because I’m not, when I get such attitude that I haven’t yet earned, they should know that I have buried people younger than them. And I’m going to tell them. It’s my new saying, I’ve just thought of it. I’ve buried […]

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Writing

Cluttered writer

I’ve been writing and rewriting the same bit for the last two days — I know what I want to say but I don’t like how I’m saying it. Damn words. Damn thoughts. Damn writer here needs to go for a walk.

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Things happening

Waste water tonight

I have been asked to limit my waste water this evening. The roots of the tree outside has deformed our service pipe to the sewer, making it nigh on impassible, and couple this with a recent fat-berg issue in this very same area and tonights rainfall, my landlords basement flat is a little damp around its scummed edges. With […]

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Poems & short stories

Duncan stepped outside

Something rustled — a trash bag rustled but what made it rustle was unknown. A cat maybe, or a fox, a rat — it could’ve been any one of a number of things, some more plausible than others. Like aliens. It could’ve been a pre-invasion scout gathering intel on our race by rifling through our […]

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Mental wellbeing

Time

Time just runs, it races away and distracts, and soon enough time is done. We’re done. It’s done, everything. Memories, the lot of it — vague and crystal — none of them now, all of them then, and then nothing. Not even a name. Not every again.

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New Year

Happy New Year!

2017 is heading our way! As I type fireworks are going off and scores of people are making merry, celebrating, and just eagerly anticipating the year ahead. What will it bring? What will be done? What will I find? I’ll soon know! I can’t wait! I love New Year 🍾 — bit of bubbly, bit of boogie, and […]

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Christmas

It’s Christmas!!!

This Christmas there is an air that’s lacked in previous years — the rush of death on its lead up I am not a part — and it is freeing. Not being in a funeral home, not being deceived by bullies, not staying in stoicism, is liberating. I am in a Christmassy mood for the first time in years, […]

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Health

I’m ill — I’m dying. I might already be dead

If I was still working in a funeral home they’d take one look at me — glassy eyes, clammy skin, pale complexion — and figure I was a new resident. They’d plop me on a gurney, cover me for dignity, and wheel me into the mortuary. I wouldn’t find it cold, even though the room’s no warmer than […]

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Christmas

The afternoon after the Christmas do

Huh? Who? I’ve been awake since 11 and my head still feels funny, like a pig’s had a shit on my brain, and I’m mighty peckish so am going to rustle me up a fry-up. Mmm snausage, bacon, eggs — it is times like these I wish I lived with someone who could get this made whilst I […]

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Bullying, The Southern Co-operative

November 27th

Every date is the anniversary of something. Good times, things done, stuff you’d rather forget. But when some dates loom backstage memories, emotions, thoughts seem to gather to muse upon what is ahead. It can take you back. You can get taken right back to pass the same hours, hear the same things, feel the same strength and hopelessness. Sometimes it is a good […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

I’m sure to cheer

In time I trust — In its stumble and rush, In its rhythm and peal, Its passage — To heal. And in life I’ve faith — In its beauty and weight, In its echo and blend, Its wisdom — To mend. For with these I’m sure — With memories and more, With spirits and fear, […]

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Awards & achievements, Things happening

First Aider — that’s me!

Rather unexpectedly last week saw me become a first aider — an e-mail went around Monday morning that offered a place on the 3 day course starting the next day and before I knew it I’d responded with my interest, and here I am: I’m a first aider. A couple of months ago I was stood […]

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Mental wellbeing

Tall thinking — steady ascent, low ceiling obscures peak

It’ll soon be one year since enough became too much, since I stood up for myself, fought back against a coven of vicious bullies, flipped them the bird, and strutted away — it’ll soon be time to toast their fading memories… I’ve heard that they’re samein’ and denyin’, maybe stumblin’ ’cause the tide’s finally turnin’, exposin’ the seabed littered with scum. […]

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Mental wellbeing

Excuse me? It’s nearly September?

Have we really (nearly) had August already? The calendar says we have — apparently we’ve had a lot of it — but, excuse me? Where did July go? What have I been doing? I’d say today felt like late April, early May, not August and nearly September! I can’t be 32, I don’t remember my birthday — does […]

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Supernatural

Something just passed behind me

Something just passed behind me. I am sat in my living room alone, minding my own business, and something just passed behind me. It’s shadow actually shadowed me, and had I known I was going to have a houseguest tonight I would’ve got in some wine, lit a few candles, and put on some charm.

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Things happening

Yay me, debt free! + other news

Once upon a time there were credit men who handed money around with abandon — Tomos, 21, loved abandon (the more wanton the better), and he indulged himself good. All to be told, £7k needed to be repaid and in 2010 I tasked Abacus to handle the nuisance people, the pesky callers and vile letter senders, and we […]

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Mental wellbeing, Portsmouth Water

A relapse in a good place

The last week of June saw me unable to face Portsmouth Water — this tightness rose, this sickness slapped, and for a whole week all I could manage was sleep — and since there’s purpose in ‘life continues’ this wee week was a relapse, a little hiccup en route from the Co-op. Defensive, accepting, accommodating, uncertain, insecure, self-loathing, rejected, […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

Unpleasant guests

When the rain falls to ground — Fills puddles that hide their depths — I am soaked and half-drowned, Shivering and out of breath. When the sun tries to shine — Tries to pierce through woollen clouds — I stumble around blind, Tired of this itchy shroud. When the air pants gently — The wind barely on […]

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Happy birthday, Poems & short stories

Have a happy birthday!

How does it feel to be officially old? You’re more ancient than dinosaurs or so I’ve been told — I’ve heard you could be more than a billon years, And yes you do look like you’ve lived all those years. You’re haggard and twisted and gnarled and grey — You’re wrinkles could be canals through […]

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