Mental well-being

This side of the letter is better

Last night, I finished a letter that I don’t intend to send. It’s not a sending sort of letter. It’s the sort of letter that shows that I can articulate my side of the problem. I can get from start to finish coherently. I can keep on track and not get waylaid by additional details. (GO ME!) […]

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Mental well-being

31 March – this time it’s a Sunday

A day like today requires a quiet moment. It requires a little peace and pause. It requires the unashamed silence of love. At least, a day like today is for memory. 4 years doesn’t seem like time while it seems like forever. 4 years doesn’t amount to much while it adds up to everything. 4 […]

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Mental well-being

*** I’m laughing too hard to entitle

I amuse me. Whether I mean to or not, I do. I find myself so fucking funny that I can’t cope! I can’t be! I know exactly which buttons to push to get me going weak, and so I push ’em. I’ve got to! I can’t help it! I’m addicted! If I could find the […]

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Mental well-being

Today with that machine and a new attitude

I strolled into work this morning and right up to that machine. I looked it square in the window and said, “We’re going to have a good day today.” I stepped to the left head and said, “You’ve only got to worry about this trolley and this side.” I stepped to the right head and said, […]

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Mental well-being

2 years on from ‘In lieu of care’

It has been 2 years since I was freed from The Southern Co-operative Funeralcare and their warped sense of compassion, and if it hadn’t been for Facebook’s ‘On this day’ reminder then I wouldn’t have even noticed — I think that’s progression right there.

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Mental well-being

It’s March 31st again

This date looms in the calendar. 11:20(ish) a.m.. 3 years ago today he left us when he should’ve been allowed to stay. He was such a wonderful man, and I’m not just saying this because I’m biased. He was a much better man than me. And 3 years on, it feels like it’s been barely […]

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Mental well-being

I can feel it in my fingers… Actually, in my chest…

WAR WITH VIRGINMEDIA! For reasons best left to a shrug, my last direct debit didn’t vanish to wherever it’s meant to go, meaning Virginmedia didn’t get paid. They’re an absolute rip off. Anyway, according to their letter, I have until before the next bill is produced to pay before I get charged a ‘late fee’. […]

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Mental well-being

The future is bright, the future is daunting

I am in receipt of my P45. It is official: I am unemployed. My future is my own making. What is that? Don’t know. I’ve got time. I don’t plan to die just yet, but then who does? Un-em-ployed. Should I sound the word aloud a hollow befalls my stomach. That’s reality, that is. Sinking […]

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Mental well-being

Life, onward & forward

Sometimes you just don’t know whether you’re coming or going, leaching or laughing, and that’s cool. That’s life. That’s how things often be. Unknown. Beyond comprehension. A little fun and / or scary. You’re moving forward, heading deeper into this great wilderness of chance and beat, following a path that juts and twists — through […]

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Mental well-being

Firecracker temper — Tomos, why so angry?

ANGER: a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility There was a time when I kept my anger, disapproval, disgust private — always accommodating, assuaging to all — my thoughts my own, never rocked the boat; wouldn’t like to, me no like confrontation. Apologetic, quick to — any blame? Mine. This is because I’ve never liked my […]

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Mental well-being

Bad mood worsening

For reasons only my temper knows, I’m getting shitty and shittier and evermore disgruntled. The day’s irritations have mounted, I’m grinding my teeth, clenching my jaw, and have a dead gaze to rival a corpse. I can’t manage words. I can growl and snap but not speak. I can’t manage patience. I just, no. Fuck off. […]

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Mental well-being

Who I am these days now things are different

I am changed. It is an undeniable truth — totes altered, that’s me. You don’t lose close loved ones, get bullied by your manager in the funeral home you work, get forced to defend your grief to your employers, have a breakdown, spiral down, and come out the other side without changing a little. Impossible. I could […]

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Mental well-being

My choices in hindsight — should I regret the bad ones?

No. Regret loves hindsight because hindsight is ever so wonderful, but I’ve never seen hindsight around when the choosing is going down. Afterwards. Only afterwards is hindsight with us with its ‘you should’ve done this’ and ‘if only you’d done that’ opinions but by then it’s too late to matter. What regret and hindsight both forget is that choice doesn’t […]

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Mental well-being

A year from In lieu of care

Freebie forever! I love it. I’m much better. I’d go so far as to say that I’ve reset myself back to my normal, maybe even beyond normal the other way. I’m not as silenced any more — I’m admitting what I’m thinking aloud and it’s liberating. I’m not as caught up any more — life is just too […]

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Mental well-being

Face to face with my bully (almost)

I’d cause to visit that funeral home today, its hub branch in Fratton — first time I’ve been there in well over a year, and hopefully the last ever. When I die make sure the coop doesn’t get my body. They had 5 years of my life, they won’t have me laid out on their racking. Much unchanged — I’ll […]

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Mental well-being

Perseverance for coherence

It helps, when you write, if you persevere until you’re clear. When what you write doesn’t make sense, when the very thought of words knots your stomach because you can’t get them from your head, don’t give up even if it feels like your best option. Keep going, keep writing, even if the blank page taunts you […]

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Mental well-being

March 31st — the date of missing letters

It’s hard not to blame the date. It’s very easy to blame the date and the time, the day, what we were wearing, doing, where we were… It’s very easy to blame it all. None of this is wrong, it’s perfectly natural. It’s because things happen on dates. We’re wearing clothes (probably) and doing stuff someplace when […]

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Mental well-being

Dark days

I have my dark days. They are not as dark as the days had once been but they aren’t light filled, aren’t clear and transparent — still thick fog in the dead of night; still lost in a place unknown. They are lonely days. I can’t voice how I feel so no-one can understand, can […]

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Mental well-being

Anger

I hate anger. Anger actually gets me angry, which isn’t particularly helpful. I don’t achieve anything when I’m angry, can’t achieve because I’m too busy looking sullen and being sarcastic — also, I flap when I’m angry. I flap when I’m flustered, but when I’m angry I’m flapping and marching back and forth, and ranting, and cussing, red faced […]

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Mental well-being

The goods & the bads inside

In the sense of mind, it is very easy to focus on the bad and negative and not see any good anywhere at all — hard programmed, almost. Very easy indeed. Indifference Fear Anger Sorrow Resentment Frustration Hate They know no different, the bad. Like hellsome toddlers, the bad only knows how to cause havoc and scream […]

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Mental well-being

Nasty people & what they should do

People who can’t bring nice to the world should die — that’s just how I see it, it’s my humble opinion — they should be stifled by their skanky souls, should choke on their nasty, and just generally drop down dead to get forgotten. As a rotting corpse I would find their stench much easier to excuse.

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Mental well-being

Problems — the solution?

What is the solution to problems, the deep-seated problems begot by life? Is it running away and hoping they won’t find you, or is it standing up to them and showing them you won’t be beaten? If you run they will follow — how far and how long can you run? If you stay they will fight […]

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Mental well-being

The hole in me

There is a hole in me, it isn’t large — it is a vacuum that takes only that little bit of me that I sometimes need. It is my strength drawn into this hole, all the little things that spur me on — it is so much of nothing that it barely exists. How can it even be, if […]

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Mental well-being

The only way out is through

To avoid its name There have been some dreary days making some dreary months, and the days felt like they’d never end even though I watched the sun set and rise and set again. All were the same, none of them new. Echo. These days were thought. Lots of thought — too much — so much that I got […]

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Mental well-being

I’ve buried people younger than you!

When somebody pisses me off, when they assume I’m a mind reader and so decide to have a crack because I’m not, when I get such attitude that I haven’t yet earned, they should know that I have buried people younger than them. And I’m going to tell them. It’s my new saying, I’ve just thought of it. I’ve buried […]

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