Anger

Bad mood worsening

For reasons only my temper knows, I’m getting shitty and shittier and evermore disgruntled. The day’s irritations have mounted, I’m grinding my teeth, clenching my jaw, and have a dead gaze to rival a corpse. I can’t manage words. I can growl and snap but not speak. I can’t manage patience. I just, no. Fuck off. […]

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Anger

Who I am these days now things are different

I am changed. It is an undeniable truth — totes altered, that’s me. You don’t lose close loved ones, get bullied by your manager in the funeral home you work, get forced to defend your grief to your employers, have a breakdown, spiral down, and come out the other side without changing a little. Impossible. I could […]

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A journey of weekends, Mental wellbeing

A weekend with friends & anger

Saturday saw me put to work on Shaun’s allotment, digging up onions that had flowered and planting new ones. I didn’t work alone. I had the expert assistance of a little person who gave reason to stop often for snacks, hide and seek, and to look at trains. According to Shaun I’m a bad influence on his son. […]

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Mental wellbeing

My choices in hindsight — should I regret the bad ones?

No. Regret loves hindsight because hindsight is ever so wonderful, but I’ve never seen hindsight around when the choosing is going down. Afterwards. Only afterwards is hindsight with us with its ‘you should’ve done this’ and ‘if only you’d done that’ opinions but by then it’s too late to matter. What regret and hindsight both forget is that choice doesn’t […]

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Mental wellbeing, Portsmouth Water

A year from In lieu of care

Freebie forever! I love it. I’m much better. I’d go so far as to say that I’ve reset myself back to my normal, maybe even beyond normal the other way. I’m not as silenced any more — I’m admitting what I’m thinking aloud and it’s liberating. I’m not as caught up any more — life is just too […]

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Bullying

Face to face with my bully (almost)

I’d cause to visit The Southern Co-operative Funeralcare today, its hub branch in Fratton — first time I’ve been there in well over a year, and hopefully the last ever. When I die make sure the Co-op doesn’t get my body. They had 5 years of my life, they won’t have me laid out on their racking. Much unchanged — […]

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Mental wellbeing, Writing

Perseverance for coherence

It helps, when you write, if you persevere until you’re clear. When what you write doesn’t make sense, when the very thought of words knots your stomach because you can’t get them from your head, don’t give up even if it feels like your best option. Keep going, keep writing, even if the blank page taunts you […]

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In memory, Mental wellbeing

March 31st — the date of missing letters

It’s hard not to blame the date. It’s very easy to blame the date and the time, the day, what we were wearing, doing, where we were… It’s very easy to blame it all. None of this is wrong, it’s perfectly natural. It’s because things happen on dates. We’re wearing clothes (probably) and doing stuff someplace when […]

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Mental wellbeing

Dark days

I have my dark days. They are not as dark as the days had once been but they aren’t light filled, aren’t clear and transparent — still thick fog in the dead of night; still lost in a place unknown. They are lonely days. I can’t voice how I feel so no-one can understand, can […]

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Anger

Anger

I hate anger. Anger actually gets me angry, which isn’t particularly helpful. I don’t achieve anything when I’m angry, can’t achieve because I’m too busy looking sullen and being sarcastic — also, I flap when I’m angry. I flap when I’m flustered, but when I’m angry I’m flapping and marching back and forth, and ranting, and cussing, red faced […]

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Mental wellbeing

The goods & the bads inside

In the sense of mind, it is very easy to focus on the bad and negative and not see any good anywhere at all — hard programmed, almost. Very easy indeed. Indifference Fear Anger Sorrow Resentment Frustration Hate They know no different, the bad. Like hellsome toddlers, the bad only knows how to cause havoc and scream […]

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Mental wellbeing

Nasty people & what they should do

People who can’t bring nice to the world should die — that’s just how I see it, it’s my humble opinion — they should be stifled by their skanky souls, should choke on their nasty, and just generally drop down dead to get forgotten. As a rotting corpse I would find their stench much easier to excuse.

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Mental wellbeing

Problems — the solution?

What is the solution to problems, the deep-seated problems begot by life? Is it running away and hoping they won’t find you, or is it standing up to them and showing them you won’t be beaten? If you run they will follow — how far and how long can you run? If you stay they will fight […]

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A journey of weekends, Mental wellbeing

A weekend in the doghouse

I fell out with myself on Saturday — someone let me down and from that, because I know they’re a let down, I gave myself a caning for putting myself through it (again). Stern words, chewed out — I wouldn’t speak to anyone as I choose to speak to myself. As with most rants A begot D and […]

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Mental wellbeing

The hole in me

There is a hole in me, it isn’t large — it is a vacuum that takes only that little bit of me that I sometimes need. It is my strength drawn into this hole, all the little things that spur me on — it is so much of nothing that it barely exists. How can it even be, if […]

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Mental wellbeing

The only way out is through

To avoid its name There have been some dreary days making some dreary months, and the days felt like they’d never end even though I watched the sun set and rise and set again. All were the same, none of them new. Echo. These days were thought. Lots of thought — too much — so much that I got […]

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Anger

I’ve buried people younger than you!

When somebody pisses me off, when they assume I’m a mind reader and so decide to have a crack because I’m not, when I get such attitude that I haven’t yet earned, they should know that I have buried people younger than them. And I’m going to tell them. It’s my new saying, I’ve just thought of it. I’ve buried […]

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Mental wellbeing

Time

Time just runs, it races away and distracts, and soon enough time is done. We’re done. It’s done, everything. Memories, the lot of it — vague and crystal — none of them now, all of them then, and then nothing. Not even a name. Not every again.

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Bullying, The Southern Co-operative

November 27th

Every date is the anniversary of something. Good times, things done, stuff you’d rather forget. But when some dates loom backstage memories, emotions, thoughts seem to gather to muse upon what is ahead. It can take you back. You can get taken right back to pass the same hours, hear the same things, feel the same strength and hopelessness. Sometimes it is a good […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

I’m sure to cheer

In time I trust — In its stumble and rush, In its rhythm and peal, Its passage — To heal. And in life I’ve faith — In its beauty and weight, In its echo and blend, Its wisdom — To mend. For with these I’m sure — With memories and more, With spirits and fear, […]

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Mental wellbeing

Tall thinking — steady ascent, low ceiling obscures peak

It’ll soon be one year since enough became too much, since I stood up for myself, fought back against a coven of vicious bullies, flipped them the bird, and strutted away — it’ll soon be time to toast their fading memories… I’ve heard that they’re samein’ and denyin’, maybe stumblin’ ’cause the tide’s finally turnin’, exposin’ the seabed littered with scum. […]

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Mental wellbeing

Excuse me? It’s nearly September?

Have we really (nearly) had August already? The calendar says we have — apparently we’ve had a lot of it — but, excuse me? Where did July go? What have I been doing? I’d say today felt like late April, early May, not August and nearly September! I can’t be 32, I don’t remember my birthday — does […]

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Mental wellbeing, Portsmouth Water

A relapse in a good place

The last week of June saw me unable to face Portsmouth Water — this tightness rose, this sickness slapped, and for a whole week all I could manage was sleep — and since there’s purpose in ‘life continues’ this wee week was a relapse, a little hiccup en route from the Co-op. Defensive, accepting, accommodating, uncertain, insecure, self-loathing, rejected, […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

Unpleasant guests

When the rain falls to ground — Fills puddles that hide their depths — I am soaked and half-drowned, Shivering and out of breath. When the sun tries to shine — Tries to pierce through woollen clouds — I stumble around blind, Tired of this itchy shroud. When the air pants gently — The wind barely on […]

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Mental wellbeing

Uncertainty less uncertain

In amongst all of the uncertainty there is an uncertainty that is less uncertain than the rest of it — it is still pretty damn uncertain and we’re still pretty damn unsure when with it but hope is hope however poor, and hope is all we’ve got.

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Mental wellbeing

Get over it, such simple words

Earlier versions of this post were berating in nature — not just towards me but also towards circumstance and things done. They were riled and impassioned, they were wry and disgusted, they were a lot of things that were not productive. I’m not even confident that this version here won’t berate in some way, but hopefully […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

Oh weary me

When in memories of darkness all I see is oh weary me Resting on the misery, Just look at me: Tired — fatigued — you’ve got it, exhausted. The air is heavy and I am weak. When above the memories in brightness all I see is oh weary me Chilling on the misery, Just look […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

Time to shine

There was something unknowing — Something foreboding And forbidding in bed with me at night. There was something frustrated — Something fixated And slated ablaze within my mind. There was something ceaseless — Something speechless And fearless thinking I was its child. There was something precious — Something spacious And gracious awaiting its time to shine.

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

Old me / New me

Old me New me Much learned — Dissatisfied. Much aged — Frustrated. Old me lay quivering on the ground — Tired. So very tired — Cold. So very cold — Gone. Much wizened — Unknown. Much aged — Unspoken. New me rose quivering from the ground — Glad. So very Glad — Here. So very here — […]

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Mental wellbeing, Poems & short stories

This unexplainable me

There’s a vacuum here beside me — it’s a hungry empty space — Nothing seems to fill it and it won’t just go away. This room I find so crowded — it’s a hive for lots of things — I know I’ve seen an exit but I don’t recall the way. I hear the clock […]

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