SAFETY FIRST!!! Goggles, ✔︎ Lab coat ✔︎ Latex free gloves ✘ (Got me latex ones.) May I continue? Test tubes ✔︎ Bunsen burner ✔︎ Scrap of paper for scientific notations ✔︎ What I’m science’ing ✔︎ IT’S EXPERIMENT TIME!! With the wind howling a gale outside, Jackie and I wanted to prove that a 17-storey high-rise […]
Read more‘Cause I’z filthy
Read moreFor a 4-year-old, his doghouse is cold!
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(I hope from the nondescript whoever reclining on a big green tick you infer ‘SUCCESS!’…)
Read moreLast week, life was a featureless plain. It was me amongst this bland flatness. Mighty bleak. Mighty lonely, too, ’cause I’m a boring piece of shit. Sullen mope. Utter failure. Why even breathe? So fucking pointless. Frustration. And then on Thursday, while in work trying to coax these electrical boards out of the machine, I […]
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I awoke Saturday with 10 fingers and ended the morning with 9.
Read moreSince beginning this driving lark nearly a year ago (yeah, a year! I know! 😲) I’ve been checking my oil, coolant, and screen wash levels roughly when I’ve remembered. On the yoozh, this is when the screen wash has gone and I’ve opened the bonnet, VIOLA! (I like to be smug when possible.) When it […]
Read moreMigraine —
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Originally, this weekend was to celebrate Betty White’s 97th birthday. I’m a super fan. Totally adore the old broad. I once flew all the way to LA to see her. Because she’s basically a distant relative, the Betty White marathon I had planned got forgot. I totally unremembered. I ended up having a Poirot marathon […]
Read moreUsually, when I’m with Kayte we don’t achieve. We have every intention but one thing soon leads to excuses and we get nowhere. We have to book or be so committed our excuses suck to get places. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. This weekend, with Kayte’s visit, we booked cinema tickets. Having […]
Read moreIt was fucking cold. When with heating, it was fucking hot. And it went too quick. It’s true, when it comes to temperature, I’m inclined to overreact. I’m not as fat as I used to be, and I no longer walk in and out of mortuaries all day long, and sometimes it’s the only thing […]
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IT’S ALMOST THAT TIME!!! To get ready, the last weekend of the year went out in style! On Saturday was Christmas Day 2.0 with Myles & co. Mum slaved away in the kitchen while us boys built a rail empire. On Sunday, I found this old man I recognised in a pub and went out […]
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Should auld acquaintance be forgot — shit! That’s a week away! Um I’m too drunk for this! This weekend, I have Got myself to Cornwall. Discovered pink gin and lemonade. Tried to see the festive Mousehole harbour lights but discovered I can’t drive in the Cornwall pitch-black dark so managed 5-miles before hitting the gin. […]
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It was the works do on Saturday, and nice to see everyone tarted up! All except Leigh. Leigh didn’t tart himself up. He might think that he did, but a Power Ranger costume isn’t fine dining attire. The fireworks were a nice touch, though. I liked them. The DJ cancelled on us so the bar […]
Read moreThis is my 2nd weekend in Wales in 2 months that I’ve spent in England. Some might think that I don’t want to visit my parents. And it’s true, last month they didn’t want me. One had a TV being delivered, the other antibiotics. For this month, with it being so close to Christmas, they […]
Read moreIt seems to be coming around quicker every year, Christmas. I suspect, having recently been enlightened on the conspiracy surrounding fluoride, that we’re being lied to. It won’t take much digging by a perfectly focused snooper to discover that the months are being shortened, if not erased entirely, by our governments and big corporations. WHY?! […]
Read moreIt started with day 9 of the same damn vertigo migraine episode — day 9! Ffs, taking the piss! It’s supposed to be 7 days and it fucks off! I don’t handle these migraines well, especially when they’ve been set off because I lost my shit with Natwest. After a week of attempting work and mostly […]
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Thanks to Natwest’s helpfulness, I lost my shit Thursday afternoon. And I know exactly where I lost it, too, in their ears! And as I’ve grown accustomed, losing my shit this way finds me a vertigo migraine. Oh, the joys! I’d rather not lose my shit in the first place, but it can’t be helped […]
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Calling the Jurassic Coast ‘dramatic’ really doesn’t give a sense of just how dramatic it is. If it were a person it would be crowned — MOVE OVER LIZZIE! REAL ROYALTY HERE! There’s a view that it’s dramatic just because it can. Jagged cliffs, crashing waves — a seagull doing somersaults in the wind. It’s […]
Read moreThere isn’t much to be said about this weekend. It had its Saturday and Sunday. It was 48-hours long. It played the hand that Life had dealt. It was good and bad, pretty and ugly. There isn’t much to be said. Amid its love and hopelessness, there was us standing, stood — held taught and caught, […]
Read moreNow that I’m with car, the 3-hour drive to their respective homes almost promotes regular visits through ease alone. It’s a case now of jump in the car and go! No 5-hour train journey. No asking my father to pick me up and drop me home. I’m independent now, baby. But neither parent wanted me. […]
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* If not, Berty would get us our first fine and he’d get towed. He’d get thrown in lockup! And knowing his owner, he’d pick up the soap…
Read moreOn the one side, I was resting a migraine. On the other, my main man Myles’ 4th birthday party!!! Saturday saw me catch up with all my series’ since moving was vetoed. Sunday saw my first (by car) visit to Lidl, followed by a 4-year-olds birthday party! I couldn’t find everything I had to get […]
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Okay, there were only 2, and they both happened last Monday, but they resonated.
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It was Nadine’s birthday bash this weekend — destination, Southampton! Because Shaun has, in his own words, ‘ferried my fat arse around for fifteen years’, it was my turn to drive. It’s fortunate, therefore, that I can. After an uneventful journey, and some confusion with a parking meter, we got to Nadine’s and I got […]
Read moreI woke up this morning with my brain streaming from my nose. It has to be my brain because my sinuses can’t possibly produce this amount of snot. (Current peak at a whole bog roll per 2 hours.) Also, I feel dumber – my brain is like soup dribbling out of my nostrils. Had I […]
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* they smell like Boss Orange if you were wondering.
Read moreHow last weekend saw nuptials and migraines, this weekend didn’t. There were no weddings to attend, no vertigo to steady — instead, allotment-working and paddle boarding. And how last weekend seemed to linger around, this weekend vanished — it’s my one complaint. Saturday saw me start the morning feeding a parrot. Charlie the parrot. She’s very […]
Read moreTorquay, again. This time for Tanya’s wedding. These past 4 weekends have seen me driving to and from Cornwall, Torquay (twice now), and having a migraine. The migraine weekend was meant to see me in Cornwall but the migraine made me housebound. With all these long journeys behind me and the one ahead, and with […]
Read moreWith this bank holiday being the arsehole of a migraine, my plans had to change because arseholes are fussy about what’s in them. Originally, it was Friday and Saturday in Cornwall for Kaytes birthday followed by lad-time with Myles and Shaun. Revised, the furthest I drove was a lonesome mile followed by jack shit. To […]
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When roses are red And violets are blue They party, the unwed Before their “I do”
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Beginning a day later than scheduled (due to migraine), this weekend kicked off with a Saturday drive to Cornwall. I set off at an ungodly 0630 and arrived 4 hours later, having seen Stonehenge on my detour. (I’ve yet to travel to Cornwall without a detour. This is the 2nd time I’ve driven this way, […]
Read moreWhy do today what can be done tomorrow? That was the mantra of this past weekend. It’s somewhat the mantra of my life but that’s another story. It all began without a road trip to London. Now I think of it, that may have been pencilled in for the weekend before. Whichever, it hasn’t happened. […]
Read moreI’ll not lie, I enjoyed the rain. It was much needed. I did think Saturday’s ‘thunderstorm’ could’ve done better, though. 3 pathetic whimpers and a spot of dampness. The minimum I expect from a thunderstorm is to be awed. Anything less and it’s barely enough to look out the window. Sunday’s blustery drizzly day with […]
Read moreSaturday was too nice a day to be heading to the allotment by car. This place can be visited on foot and with cider. So this is what I did. It took a little over an hour and I was in desperate need of a piss by the time I got there. En route, I […]
Read moreThere was a vague threat of a road trip to Nuneaton (to collect Jackie and her new lodger) but it was only vague, and I’d found myself the best parking spot, so I wasn’t moving the car for nothing. Because living so near to Palmerston Road has its perks, this weekend was the Southsea Food […]
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* Likely a bad translation of: A weekend in Cornwall Otherwise known as: Road trip to Kayte’s!! Yes, this ray of sunshine has now driven all the way to Cornwall and back again.
Read moreI don’t want to sound typically British and complain about the weather, but I would like a nice downpour to reset the air, and then we may continue with this impressive heatwave. It’s just relentless. On Saturday, having given myself a migraine on Friday, I didn’t get up ’til 11. Migraines proper wipe me out. […]
Read moreAfter last weekend’s fun and games, this weekend was the polar opposite. Because other people drain after a while, I got all my being social in person done and dusted by Saturday lunchtime. Although, via text and call I remained available throughout. Because the world outside is too hive and no chill, I kept excursions […]
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Alongside tulips and cheese, there’s weed and prostitutes to be had in Amsterdam. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the prostitutes were of the wrong gender for me, it’s out of season for tulips, and I’m not a big fan of cheese, so I was left with weed. So much gange, marijuana, you give it a […]
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34 years ago, my mother screamed and screamed, and carried on like murder, and then I popped out screaming and screaming and carrying on like murder. It is for this reason that I refuse to work on my birthday. That, and I had an interview for the Co-op for a full-time position many years back, on […]
Read moreHeading off to Wales for 3 days was full of purpose. It was my first proper long distance drive since buying Bertie. 190-odd miles to my father, 15 to my mother, 180-odd back. I loved every minute. Bertie’s oil warning light issue was the only, well, issue. It was my first chance to freely travel […]
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Unlike most other bank holidays that whizz by like as if they’re shorter than a regular weekend, this one took its sweet sweet time. It actually took its days as gorgeous, sunny days should; lazily. It all began on Friday after work. After popping to the allotment to do a spot of watering, I spent […]
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I wouldn’t say I’m anti-Royal, I quite like them, really. They don’t bother me. It’s just that if Prince Harry got married to Meghan on a weekday, and this day was made into a Bank Holiday, then I’d be all other their celebrations. I’d be WOOP WOOP WEDDING!!!! (I am often inappropriate in church) But […]
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Milestone after milestone! Physical miles. To Brighton, Portchester, Tesco (thrice), Shaun’s — I’ve even had my back seat down and carried a TV stand home. My Brighton journey was a fun journey, I quite liked it — people I’ve told have thought it strange I didn’t stop in Brighton but it was pissing it down, I didn’t […]
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The weekend began like most weekends, I woke up. Back in those days, I used my feet to get places so they were probably shredded, the sheets bloody, and I was writhing in pain. Saturday saw me on the hunt for Shaun’s birthday present, traipsing from Waitrose to Tesco, and thinking I should’ve just gone […]
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Having friends and family dotted around the place gives excuses to visit. Like Kayte down in Cornwall = HOLIDAY!!! Like Jo up in London = HOLIDAY!!! Like Laura up in Newcastle = HOLIDAY!!! And so visit I have, and visiting I still am. I don’t get up here as often as maybe I should, although […]
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Paying their old Uni home a visit, this weekend with Tony and Paul was always destined to be pub-orientated.
Read moreFelt a lot like walking, if I’m honest. No car!!! With Shaun on the case, I’m sure this state of affairs won’t last long. I’m lucky he knows what I want because I don’t. Having looked through insurance, which seems reasonably priced, I find some of the questions they ask are unnecessarily shruggable. I don’t […]
Read moreAfter a week throttled, stabbed, and booted in the nuts by vertigo, this weekend was highly productive. Like super productive. Like oh my god…
Read morePublished Author Site: Prose Poetry Collection
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