In memory, Mental wellbeing

It’s March 31st again

This date looms in the calendar. 11:20(ish) a.m.. 3 years ago today he left us when he should’ve been allowed to stay. He was such a wonderful man, and I’m not just saying this because I’m biased. He was a much better man than me. And 3 years on, it feels like it’s been barely […]

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Anger

Firecracker temper — Tomos, why so angry?

ANGER: a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility There was a time when I kept my anger, disapproval, disgust private — always accommodating, assuaging to all — my thoughts my own, never rocked the boat; wouldn’t like to, me no like confrontation. Apologetic, quick to — any blame? Mine. This is because I’ve never liked my […]

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Anger

Bad mood worsening

For reasons only my temper knows, I’m getting shitty and shittier and evermore disgruntled. The day’s irritations have mounted, I’m grinding my teeth, clenching my jaw, and have a dead gaze to rival a corpse. I can’t manage words. I can growl and snap but not speak. I can’t manage patience. I just, no. Fuck off. […]

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Anger

Who I am these days now things are different

I am changed. It is an undeniable truth — totes altered, that’s me. You don’t lose close loved ones, get bullied by your manager in the funeral home you work, get forced to defend your grief to your employers, have a breakdown, spiral down, and come out the other side without changing a little. Impossible. I could […]

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A journey of weekends, Mental wellbeing

A weekend with friends & anger

Saturday saw me put to work on Shaun’s allotment, digging up onions that had flowered and planting new ones. I didn’t work alone. I had the expert assistance of a little person who gave reason to stop often for snacks, hide and seek, and to look at trains. According to Shaun I’m a bad influence on his son. […]

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Mental wellbeing

My choices in hindsight — should I regret the bad ones?

No. Regret loves hindsight because hindsight is ever so wonderful, but I’ve never seen hindsight around when the choosing is going down. Afterwards. Only afterwards is hindsight with us with its ‘you should’ve done this’ and ‘if only you’d done that’ opinions but by then it’s too late to matter. What regret and hindsight both forget is that choice doesn’t […]

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Mental wellbeing, Portsmouth Water

A year from In lieu of care

Freebie forever! I love it. I’m much better. I’d go so far as to say that I’ve reset myself back to my normal, maybe even beyond normal the other way. I’m not as silenced any more — I’m admitting what I’m thinking aloud and it’s liberating. I’m not as caught up any more — life is just too […]

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Bullying

Face to face with my bully (almost)

I’d cause to visit The Southern Co-operative Funeralcare today, its hub branch in Fratton — first time I’ve been there in well over a year, and hopefully the last ever. When I die make sure the Co-op doesn’t get my body. They had 5 years of my life, they won’t have me laid out on their racking. Much unchanged — […]

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Mental wellbeing, Writing

Perseverance for coherence

It helps, when you write, if you persevere until you’re clear. When what you write doesn’t make sense, when the very thought of words knots your stomach because you can’t get them from your head, don’t give up even if it feels like your best option. Keep going, keep writing, even if the blank page taunts you […]

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