The cupboard I call a flat is barely big enough for one, let alone two, especially not two and a half.

What is needed is space, enough for two and a half men

We need kitchen counters and cupboards.

We need a living room that’s more than three steps from the centre of the kitchen.

This new living room needs space to swing a cat.

What I’m wanting is double glazing, a car that isn’t parked in the next county, and the ability to sit up in bed.

The two and a half of us went around Portsmouth comparing floor plans, measuring windows, waiting for letting agents to show up.