Not quite the post I was planning, but close, sort of – what I intended got shot in the foot so there’s no title to give, just words. 1,051 of them. It ends with a lovely little moral that I feel is a life lesson, a must learn

Hidden is tomorrow, all the things I do not know
I know something is coming, something I need to know
I know I need to know it, I need to react as well
I need to know what’s coming so I can plan ahead
So I sit and think and mull, I ponder and wonder too
I think up all the worst scenarios in case they all come true

Last night, in preparation for todays post, I wrote the above poem. It’s an unfinished masterpiece, as you can tell. I was going to focus this post on the negative thinking that comes from not knowing. I was going to be showing, I was hoping, why this thinking should be positive.

Earlier in the evening I’d missed a call from my manager. It was at 16:59 and I’d clocked out an hour early due to starting the day at 7am and driving to Weymouth. At around 6pm, I checked my work phone, saw the missed call and listened to the voicemail. I was asked to call back but my manager’s phone was off.

For reasons I put down to being a negative Berty, I’d this sense that this wasn’t a good call. I was going to get my P45. I could think up 3 reasons without trying.

Knowing how I do this, how I think the worst, conjure negatives to fill knowledge gaps, I spent the evening doing some work towards my assessors assessment thingee, periodically picturing my P45 and telling myself that I’m being stupid.

After climbing into bed, I started writing the above poem.

Roll on this morning, and my day started as expected. I went on my “commute” around Southsea Castle and called my manager and left a voicemail. I got home and got cracking on getting my next few visits in order, which included marking. I didn’t know how to mark so learning how to mark took me up until lunchtime. Whilst popping to Sainsbury’s to get some lunch, my manager called — I’ve been terminated, I’m getting my P45, there are not enough learners to justify my wage.

Let’s revisit last nights poem…

Hidden is tomorrow, all the things I do not know
I know something is coming, something I need to know
I know I need to know it, I need to react as well
I need to know what’s coming so I can plan ahead
So I sit and think and mull, I ponder and wonder too
I think up all the worst scenarios in case they all come true

Premonition much?

Now knowing what I didn’t know last night shoots the original message of this post in the face. It proves my negativity correct, which is enough to usually keep me quiet. But I did know. My negativity was right, it was being positive, doing right by me. In a round about way, my original post was going to slate this negativity when it didn’t do anything wrong.

Now that I’m freshly unemployed and managed to do a job I loved for nearly 2 whole months, I’m sitting here with this evening feeling surreal. I prefer cold hard emotions, not this surreality bullshit.

The positives:

  1. I don’t need to learn how to mark anymore. This problem has been solved outright.
  2. I didn’t fuck up. I’m gone because contracts fell through and there’s no work for me to do. I’m not gone because I did something untoward.
  3. I did good. My counter-signer has signed off my work, and aside a few small things, my first 3 learner visits last week were excellent. The feedback my manager has been receiving has been only praise. I’m not only a really nice person, I have the right ideas, say the right things, and I communicate good, too. My quality assurer feels I’m a born natural, they can tell from their experience. I don’t need to be concerned about me at all.
  4. My CV is done. Since I had to update it at the weekend (I now know why) the only thing I need to do is change ‘PRESENT’ to ‘NOVEMBER 2019’ under the employment section. This is a real load off because I hate writing CVs. Can’t stand it. Worst job ever. Done! Yippee!
  5. My living room is better. Gone is the space-eating sofa and coffee table, and now is space with 2 recliners and side-table. There’s also art on the wall (local artist prints of Portsmouth) thanks to the prospect of video calls.
  6. I don’t need to do my Maths & English functional skills. Thank. Fucking. Christ. I had to get up to A-Level in both. English, alright — I could’ve coped with that (just, probably not) because I did that A-Level. But Maths, nah. I’m no good. I got a C at GCSE and that was the best I could do.

Making it almost 2 months into this job only to find myself unemployed because there’s not enough work to justify my wage has got me wondering why I was hired in the first place. It strikes me as a waste of time, all this putting my entirety into a profession where I would’ve done good got me nowhere. I would’ve been a real asset, and I’m not just saying that because I want to feel better about myself. I was delivering the funeral apprenticeship to funeral workers and I once worked in a funeral home. I get it. 100%. I totally understand their world. But I’ve spent these nearly 2 months being teased. I find this outcome unfair. I feel let down, taken for a ride. I get their reasons. I was still in my probationary, I’m an easy ta-ra. But I heard a lot about how the company was employee-focused and I’m not finding that right now. I’m getting a decent severance package because this is not my fault, but I have just been hired to do a job that has no work and been flung for it. As I’ve flown out that door, I’ve been praised. Yeah, cheers. It’s been my pleasure to have been such an amazing number.

So the moral of this story is, don’t go off chastising your negativity from the get go because it might actually be doing you right. If it is, you’ll look like a fool when you end up sacked because there’s no work for you to do.

Tomos James


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