A weekend that made me wonder if my self-positive/negative views are squiff

In all reality, this weekend had one task = write a competency statement.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the word ‘competency’ without trouble (I can spell it though), and there were so many pressing issues to solve that I only managed 400 words out of 5 pages.

Being a home based worker requires an office – check! Well, I’ve squeezed one into this pocky flat. Sort of. Work now has a dedicated space, it’s the best I could do.

My washing machine stalled on the spin cycle and wouldn’t happily restart, so the bathroom mat and the towels had to be rung and rung and rung, and rung some more, put on a radiator, rung again, and so on until dry.

Whilst texting Shaun, my phone refused to be a phone and decided to be a useless piece of shit. Ever since bending the phone some 20 degrees at the waist and bending it back again, it hasn’t liked living any longer than the first 40%. Well, it hasn’t got to worry any more – got a new phone! It turns on. I ask it to do stuff, it does it. There’s volume. So many things I’d forgotten a phone could do…

It was in amongst setting up this new phone, whilst I was scrolling through my notes, deleting the chaff and keeping the gold, that I noticed a slight pattern extending back about 3 years. It was my struggle – all that mental turmoil written as a half-sentence on a lone note after lone note. I’m talking hundreds of them. Delete. Delete. It got me thinking. I’ve been feeling like I express myself negatively. A lot of the reason why there’s few new posts on this blog is because I’m sat here, determine that I’m saying whatever negatively, and delete it. This self-confirmation has been helped by my recent fallout with a rather close friend for being just that, negative. All that anger I felt – all that rage – although now mostly in the past tense, lives on through pessimism and apathy, gloom and defeat. I’d mentioned this in passing only on Friday to a colleague at work. I said how I come across negative when I don’t actually mean it and they said that I don’t. I actually come across positive, that I use positive tones and words and everything. Of course, my friend would say that I’m treating them different but I know that that isn’t really true, and then I saw these half-sentence notes – delete – and it got me wondering if I see myself expressing negatively because I’ve been told it, but more importantly, because I’ve thought it myself, sort of assumed this is me. I’ve felt all these negative things, the negative is easier to express, and now that I’m positive I don’t really know the difference. The positive is cool, it’s happy, it doesn’t need to be the centre of attention… The negative, on the other hand, loves the spotlight, the stage – it wants books written about it… So my query is: Have I been assuming that I’m still negative because I’ve been using words? If so, that’s silly.

Other pressing issues included: Watching movies, all of which I’ve seen; watching YouTube to find out how to SMART target somebody; creating a new finance spreadsheet that became too complicated to use so I deleted; and doing sweet fuck all.

Unfortunately, all these pressing issues have meant that I’m only 400 words into a five page competency statement. It is 400 words more than I had at the beginning of the weekend so I’ll take that as a win.

Tomos James