I also didn’t eat a great deal yesterday, but I think my lack of sleep is the culprit. For this past week, I’ve been probably getting 2 hours. Instead of sleeping, just lying there thinking of random things. Singing songs. Running through scenarios.
Work has told me to tell them if I feel unwell. I feel unwell most days, and most of these days I can cope, and on most of these, it evaporates by lunchtime. So I don’t tell them I’m unwell until it’s clear that I’m not. Otherwise, I’d be saying it all the fucking time. I don’t particularly want to be ill, and less reminded. I can think of better things to feel than stomach-bending nausea. There’s a lot about these migraines that I despise. I will only admit I can’t cope when I physically can’t cope. I allow how I look to be the precursor. My right eyelid gets a bit lazy and I’m miserable and quiet and pressing on my stomach. I’m a completely different, and grumpy, person.
It became clear by 9am that this nausea and wobble wasn’t going away. It was building. It was doing its little RUNAWAY! (turn) CHARGE! shit it likes to do because nausea is best in waves.
To combat this little attack, I thought I’d eat. Sometimes food slows it down, and sometimes the weight of it seems to calm it. So I told work that I needed something to eat to try and settle my stomach, and I was told it was fine but not to consider going home early today. Wasn’t happening.
I spent the day going back and forth to the loo because I’m drinking water like I’m thirsty. Glug, glug, glug. And standing for a piss is hard. Back and forth. Back and forth. I could’ve sat but sometimes, once standing, it’s best to stay standing.
I stood at that machine. I sat, too, but a lot of standing. A lot of leaning over, picking things up, and concentrating. Not easy when you can’t stand, can’t focus, and feel like you’re going to throw up.
Lunchtime comes and urgh, my sandwich was hard to eat. I ate it but just its presence in my mouth made me heave.
The first hour after lunch was full of finding paperwork. Teetering over here, suddenly stopping to get my balance, tottering over there. Back and forth, and to the loo, of course.
During the second hour after lunch, a board got put in the oven and I was told to wait for it, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to sit. And sit good, for over five minutes. Unfortunately, this meant I was idle when I should’ve been constructive. To sit, there was rework to be done, and rework means dealing with fiddly things.
In the third hour, I was spotted crying and told to just go home. I finished what I was doing and left a half-hour early. I didn’t go down well. I’ll probably get told that I should’ve said something when I did. I can’t hide a migraine, I make it totally obvious.
I will admit, today has left me a little taken aback. Of course, I could’ve just told them I was leaving but that goes against my nature. I agreed to help them out, I don’t want to be ill, so I refuse to break my promise. But me being me, followed instruction. I can see them short staffed (that continued sickness, you see, still ongoing) and I see work piling up, and I want to help out. But who’s helping me?
As I sit here feeling worse for wear I wonder, who gives a shit?
I give a shit, and I like to think I’m not alone.