Well, the heat and Tuesday’s bad mood have conspired to bring about a vertigo migraine.
Nausea has my heart always.
And in this spirit of romance, today I took my lover to the cinema.
I would’ve preferred being reclined on the sofa.
Actually, I would’ve preferred no migraine, but I can’t have everything.
I wouldn’t usually take vertigo out on a date but owing to the electrician rewiring my bedroom all day, I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either going out or being sat in with no power. After meeting the electrician and his assistant this morning, they weren’t fit so staying in became a no option.
Of all the things there are to do, I wanted cool with no reason to move. I could’ve driven somewhere but where? And the heat. Driving was out of the question.
Now the Vue is only in Gunwharf, a 20-or-so minute walk. I’d be sat for an extended period of time. Cinemas tend to be freezing. I really wanted to see Jurassic World: The Lost Kingdom. I can’t seem to get anyone to go with me. It’s a fiver. All very ✔︎✔︎✔︎.
In all honesty, I think they should’ve stopped this whole franchise after the last film. I’m not saying The Lost Kingdom is a shit film, but if you take out the dinosaurs there’s hardly an actor in it. Of course, the film has got its big names but sometimes a big name doesn’t deliver believability. They acted like they wanted to get paid but didn’t have the availability to commit. And maybe that was because they’d read the script. I watched it and the wooden acting didn’t help much.
But it killed those few hours and now I’m reclined on the sofa.
I don’t feel too shit at the moment but if I move then I do, a little. It’s mild nausea now. It’s also not sat by my tonsils. It’s more by my collarbone and that precious inch matters. It matters a lot.
Tuesday’s bad mood was one of those dwellers. I was nowhere near shouting but was clearly unamused. Unimpressed. From my tone to my manner, it was hard to miss.
Because I’m polite, I announced my bad mood everywhere I went and nicely put myself out of bother. For a few hours Myles snapped me right out of it but then I resumed. Back in a bad mood. The spirit of which was, I’ve had enough.
On Tuesday morning, the quality of the latest batch of those damn boards that got me a complaint last month got raised again. Poor quality, tut-tut-tut. I’m still not amused. Not because their quality has been raised but because no matter what I do it isn’t good enough. Since Ol’ Quality taddled last month I’ve been stood over those damn boards methodically looking down every poxy row, taking in as many of the 2-thousand components as I can, and STILL there are fucking mistakes. Upside down ICs (spider-looking things) and dead ones with their feet in the air. Capacitors nowhere near where they live. Missing things. Too many things. These boards were like I hadn’t even checked them. I had. I did. I had a mild migraine to prove it.
And so their quality got raised, I was told of the severity of some of my mistakes, and I’d had enough. Lost total interest. Can’t be bothered. I clearly can’t do the job. It’s not like there’s assistance in bountiful supply — it’s not like Quality come on over here and show me tricks of the trade. Nah, they taddle. I can’t be dealing with that. In the face of their own poor standards, they criticise mine. At least I’m trying. At least I’m doing everything I can and most days go home with a migraine.
Working in a factory building electrical motherboards started out as me helping a friend but has morphed me into an employee and that wasn’t supposed to happen. Through my interest in helping my friend, and upon a colleague’s extended sickness, part-time turned almost full-time turned proper full-time turned more frequent migraines. And because in my head I’m still helping out I’ve not always felt the appreciation. Had it been me in nightclubs again I’d have sweetened the pot with a little something sweetening. Drink vouchers so nights out were on the company. Maybe pay ’em Supervisor rate. Something. And in my head, I can quickly tally the months I’ve given (7). I’ve pushed back college/uni a year because by now I should’ve sorted out my A-Level & GCSE certificate reprints. It was on my to-do list but weekends turned precious and I can never be bothered to do such things with a migraine. And in my head, I wonder why I don’t do what I need to do. Why I’ve let myself stray away from the plan. Why I haven’t even finalised that plan, so has there ever been a plan for me to stray from?
And after watching a TED episode on self-awareness (link here), I’ve found why ‘why’ is my downfall. A ‘why’ question delivers reasons that I can believe. Often because the true-truth is hard to swallow, these reasons satisfy something in me. They sound right to my ears because, in essence, I want to hear them. This doesn’t progress me forward, it stagnates.
Instead of asking over and over again,
Why do I not do what I need to do?
I should be asking,
What do I do that I’m supposed to?
The first question can only serve to lead me off topic whereas the second question wants me to deal in hard facts.
Where might this new question lead me?
I suppose it begs I answer,
What am I going to do now?
If I have a list of what I’ve done and been doing, its success can motivate me to do more.
The real main question is,
What am I waiting for?
And the answer is simple, the object of that ‘what’ is me.
So although its the quality of my work that set off my bad brooding mood, the additional baggage and me berating myself is what helped set in this migraine.
That, and undoubtedly, this heatwave.
At least I’ve learnt that it’s not only KA BOOM anger that can trigger these bad episodes. Brooding all moody all day can also do it, too.
Well, they do say every day is a school day.