A weekend of, “Eh? What?” Hack hack hack

The weekend began with the need to put away Christmas. It’s so last year.

Christmas was already down and in its boxes but where Christmas lives in my home had been attractive to other crap.

It’s amazing how crap notices a free space and moves right on in. No by your leave and no subtle takeover, instead BOOM! Sort me.

Anyway, I’d been putting off the job.

It took barely a half-hour and it looks pleasing.

This new and improved Tomos, who no longer shove-shove-shoves and closes the door quick but actually makes storage areas inviting, is alright.

I said you’re alright!

Oh, thank you, but there’s no need to shout.

This weekend has also been,

Followed by,

‘Cause it’s green, a beautiful pea-green mucus in my tissue.

I’ve got a chest infection, yippee!

And I’ve a sinus issue that’s making me a little hard of hearing.

My ears are blocked until I blow my nose, which explodes and I can hear for a whole 30 seconds.

But having this silence all weekend has been bliss.

I’ve had a rest from the homeless guy who sings an impassioned song of whoops and squeaks between 2am and 6. Also, the bird-murder that happens from midnight in the ever-green by my window wasn’t as startling. Even Elephant Man upstairs, with his thump-thump-thumping and 1am hoovering, has been turned into a delightful human.

I could get used to all this consideration I’m finding through sinus-related deafness.

Reg, my driving instructor, text on Saturday about this Australian flu (the outbreak is bad in Portsmouth) and he’s asked us to not have a lesson if we’re ill.

Well, I’m not dying.

I hack hack hack but at most twice an hour, and it can be hours between hacks. It’s almost like I’ve a very considerate chest infection that doesn’t want to cause too much fuss.

I tell you, I could get used to all this thoughtfulness.

And my deafness isn’t complete, my hearing is just more selective, so he’ll just need to speak louder.

Also, it’s not like my nose is streaming. I blow a hole through my tissue, react to the gross, and wash my hands. No big deal.

Reg has said that I can have a lesson if I’m not contagious.

A little visit to Dr Google later, I’m not as generally contagious as the flu and my chest infection was not sexually transmitted.

Boy, had I been concerned about that!

My lungs going out, shagging all these diseased men, and where was my invite?


So I’ve told Reg that I’ll bring anti-bac wipes and might wear a mask, also that I’ll let him know if I don’t improve.

He said, “By Wednesday.”

I said, “Shall do.”

And so that’s where we’re at.

I’ve just hacked and it’s not such a starling pea-green.


Oh, for fucks sake. I was saying you might be over the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Would I fancy rice? No, I fancy mash with my dinner.

Good night folks!

Have a great evening.

Tomos James

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