I was right.
It was my mother.
9 A4 sides of chicken scratch that I can, at times, not read.
There’s no apology.
I should consider how she feels.
I am cleary to blame but, if I’m honest, I can barely see it.
FUN INTERLUDE OF SCRATCHING CHICKENS
DAMN THAT ITCH!
I’ve just gone through it with a highlighter:
15½ lines in 9 sides of A4.
2 lines for not grasping the concept that love is guilt-tripping blackmail.
4 lines for leaving her out of my life.
6 lines because the actions of so-&-so can only get between us because I don’t consider her feelings.
3½ that (I think) mean: Because so-&-so is nasty then that’s why I’m hostile and defensive because I’m not loyal to her. Yeah (I’m just looking at it again), that’s it.
Of 145 lines, my blame is expressly stated for 15½ = 21.75% of a 100% letter.
This might be a stupid question, but why the hell did she fall out with me?
EVEN MORE FUN WITH SCRATCHING CHICKENS
I’ve been re-reading it.
Essentially, I woke up one morning being hostile. I have all these capabilities to be nice but I’m not because of other people. How they treat her, how they malign her and leave her out, is a reflection of my disloyalty. I have such a great potential but I’m never going to be good enough for her because I don’t consider her feelings.
She says, “I love you very much and nothing, whatever happens, will change that — but that does not mean that I love the things you do or say.”
Case and point.
There is nothing I can do or say that will make her love me. Beyond actions and speech, what much else is there of me?
She ends comforted that her conscience is clean, and then she thanks me because she feels better for having written this letter to me.
The aim of her letter is to coax out my guilt. I’m sure she expects me to feel remorse for not changing other people, and so would grovel for her love, accept brand new conditions, to reset our relationship again.
I’m in many ways speechless.
She thinks exactly what I thought she would, and it’s not reasonable.
She’s a hypocrite.
She piles and piles and piles her shit on me, and then shuns me because I smell like faeces.
I was concerned that my letter to her would’ve been too harsh, so to tread the fine line to keep her sweet I gave it length.
I’m going to shorten my response down right now.
She can have my anger and contempt.
Because although her conscience is clean, mine is sparkling.
I’ve only ever tried to do my best by her, and she’s the one who makes it bloody difficult.
No, I don’t think emotional blackmail is love.
And please, I leave her out my life? I called her every other day (near enough). Certainly, once in a week. And when Jeff walked out I was on that phone for hours and hours.
And excuse me, I’m not other peoples’ keeper! What they choose to do and not do are none of my concern.
She’s written her letter as a goodbye. Towards the end that is really what she implies.
So then, Goodbye.
If that’s what she wants, goodbye. Ta-ra.
I hope she still feels comforted.