A weekend of Wedding Madness memories

4 years ago, this weekend was Wedding Madness — 2 days, 2 weddings, so much love in the air I was nauseous. But then tequila and jägerbombs can do that.

Now although I say ‘Saturday’ and ‘Sunday’ these weddings were actually dated last Thursday and Friday. I can’t help that days and dates are promiscuous.

Wedding A, or 1

Saturday was Claire’s. We’ve been good friends since I traumertised her whilst training her at the funeral home. She married this guy Chris, who (and he’ll love me for saying this) has a very peachy arse hidden beneath his trouser fabric. It’s a shame the same can’t be said for his face. It’s all pert up there on his head. But that’s life. It’s all tight backsides and arseholes.

Jackie, Jade, this random guy, and I decorated their reception venue. It was artistic magnificence through tequila shots. Lot’s of tequila shots. One after every table done, that was the law. And then we went to the service. Apparently, my voice carried in church. Not enough to make the vicar cough, but people heard me compliment the perfect pop of a pair of boobs. They were glittered and I like shiny things.

I don’t remember much of the party. Little snapshots in places, mainly of me dancing or swaying. But I do remember spilling my drink down Bev and deciding it was time to go home.

Wedding B, or 2

Sunday was James’. He’s my cousin. He married Helena who’s his beautiful grounding.

I got an early train to Bromley and found Madam Whiplash (aunt) getting her warpaint done. For a Dominatrix, she scrubs up well. And then we went to hers, got ready, waited for Kayte, got to the grand-home venue that was miles from anywhere I knew, and waited in the pink room. The open-air service was beautiful. Hard to hear, but I am a little deaf. And I didn’t blurt out rudenesses because I wasn’t in a church (nor tequila’d).

Sometimes a grand home can make people feel awkward. Not Kayte and I. Once we discovered the jägerbombs were on the house, we were well away. We taught a troop to line dance to Robyn Thicke, Blurred Lines. And I got told off for asking the Quiet Room if they were having a good time. That was funny. I wasn’t aware there was such a room. But there was. It was the pink one.


Much has changed.

James is dead and love is striving. But in it all, there were these two days. All their hope and promise and desire and freedom.

Two good days to give everything else context.


This Wedding Weekend was also Doghouse Weekend. It’s a doghouse I’ve made comfortable over my many years. I don’t quite recall my reason to visit back in 2013 but I do remember enjoying myself so much that I stayed for a few weeks.

To commemorate and relive this happy experience, I’ve decided to pay a visit. And to be honest, it’s exactly the same amount of fun. Maybe a bit more. I’m in real danger of having too much.

My thanks go to Waitrose. Without their tannoy to deafen those on the phone, this visit might never have been possible.

Tomos James

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