You need to talk? TEXT

If you want to be talking with me, that is

If you’re concerned I’ve not claimed my accident compensation or PPI, DISREGARD.

A You can take me off your list
B You have no trouble getting through

For everyone else, TEXT.

Exactly why you have to do this, I can’t tell you. I don’t know. But if you don’t, you can call and I might not know about it for hours. I can even not know it for days.

Many report they’re sent straight to voicemail
Some say they get a dead tone
A few have it ring and ring their end

But I’m unaware you’re calling. I know nothing until my phone pipes up with:

Oh yeah, hi. Soz, forgot.
   So and so     called earlier and yeah, my bad.
Manic here, can’t stop.


How come? With what? I don’t keep you busy. When you’re at home you just lounge on the side like you own the place. That’s not ‘overworked’, now is it? Nah, I see you loafing and stinking like bullshit. I do. You even look like a cowpat.

Naturally, as with all rules, there’s an exception:

If you’re the call after a call that couldn’t get through, you’re okay.

So if you can’t get through, either try again or text.

But I should mention. There is some debate on whether you calling after your failed call is a true recipe for success. There have been increasing numbers of third and fourth attempts containing the charm. And 8 attempts is the current record.

So maybe, try and try again or text.

Of the calls my phone does tell me are incoming, a lot get answered a half-breath before they’re missed. And if I call back straight away it’s because I missed it. If I don’t, and you’re waiting around for hours, I don’t know you’ve called.

My phone sometimes rings and sometimes doesn’t. I regularly check the volume is ‘on’ and it invariably is. The volume setting does like to fluctuate, I’ve noticed.

And this issue is coupled with my phone unlocking in my pocket to open things and root about. It’s very sneaky. Very amateur. I always know my phone is up to mischief because of the faint brrring-brrring I hear coming from near my crotch. If I was it, I wouldn’t be so obvious. When making an outgoing call, I’d make sure I was ‘speaker off’.

To assure yourself that I know you’ve called, text me. Or WhatsApp me. Or Messenger me. Or even email me. This way you’ll know whether or not I’m ignoring you. I’m probably not. In all likelihood, as long as you’re not an obvious cold call, I just don’t know you want me.

After some deep soul searching, I think my phone issues are the result of its neglect.

Once I’m indoors my phone isn’t needed for anything, except calls. I don’t like answering calls from my laptop. I prefer answering texts by laptop, though. Prefer to do most things written with a keyboard. Where there’s space for fingers and thought.

I have installed apps on my phone that I have no-where else. And these are apps I often use. But I understand that checking my hours asleep once per day and the odd Repix photo edit isn’t the reflection of proper care and heed.

My phone is also expecting an update and I keep telling it ‘no’.

I’m a bad person.

I neglect it and expect it to work. And why should it? If I’m not treated with respect then I’m like, ‘fuck ya’. So why can’t it also be passive aggressive?


My phone is dying and will soon need a funeral. It is 2 years old after all.

Tomos James

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