I did bad, I killed the onions!
I’m an onion murderer!
Apparently, onions only like onion neighbours and if a weed moves into their neighbourhood they die. They could make friends, they could share sugar and invite each other out for lunch, but no. Onion sees his new neighbour, sees it’s not an onion, clutches his chest and dies.
Intolerant fussy little fuckers — how do they survive in the wild?
Excuse me, this is an onion only area! Move along!
Well, they’re dead now. Next year I’ll try and keep them alive.
Memorial service being held at The Chopping Board, 5pm tonight. All welcome. The family have asked for donations in lieu of flowers, by cheque made payable to ‘Onion Aid’, because every onion life matters.