Firecracker temper — Tomos, why so angry?

ANGER: a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility

There was a time when I kept my anger, disapproval, disgust private — always accommodating, assuaging to all — my thoughts my own, never rocked the boat; wouldn’t like to, me no like confrontation. Apologetic, quick to — any blame? Mine.

This is because I’ve never liked my anger. Explosive. It reminds me of floorboards, of hiding under the bed, of dark nights. Don’t like.

But now:

KA BOOM

I’m not tamping and raging all day long but once my patience has gone, it’s gone (I don’t have much) — I’m not ‘aving it!

KA BOOM!

And it can be over the smallest of things.

What happens: Something, anything, I’m not picky — enough to make my patience slip, my tone change, unamused — I snip, snap — shout — say things I should’ve said with tact.

Sometimes nothing but the anticipation of something happening is enough.

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I’ve zero fucks when I ought to have one.

If you’re lucky I’ll just spit a venomous comment or two and leave it at that. If you’re not, I won’t stop until I’m done, and I won’t ever be done. At least I don’t think so. Phone calls have ended too soon to be certain.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I raged and that was that, but my anger stays. It festers — I get angry because I’m angry — grow angrier — reignite — feed; devour everything innocent in sight.

Nothing is safe. The more I love the greater the danger I am.

A lot of this anger stays inside my head. Banging around, pushing things. Only some of it comes out. To think I

KA BOOM!

And I’m holding back.

So when I appear as serene as this placid lake:

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Am all laughs and chuckles like this dude:

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Caution:

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KA BOOM!

I’m not.

And I won’t be subtle about it.


So Tomos, what’s wrong?

Everything and nothing.

I’m alright, I’m just not — it’s like things are shit but they aren’t. Frustrated — there we go, I’ll just say that I’m frustrated with life.

Annoyed. Easily annoyed.

emoticon-1813399_1920Easily amused, too — as quick as I am to anger, I am to laughter. I like laughing. Always laughing, me.

Just don’t remember it.

I remember my anger. My rage.

So what are you angry about?

Everything and nothing, I’m really not fussy — it’s usually the smallest thing that gets my deepest rage. It’s like the anger is in my bones, is my marrow — it’s made like my white blood cells but instead of gobbling up infection it fights infection with rage.

You really that angry?

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It’s deep.

I’m so deep in it I feel perpetually annoyed.

Fucking annoyed — FUMING!

TAMPIN’!

(I love that word, especially when said with a Welsh accent — TAMP-EN!)

I blame the Co-op.

The Co-op? Haven’t you got over them yet?

No. I can’t. I want my apology.

If I really break it down, I want the key players to go through what I went through — none of this “I would never wish you my pain” crap — you feel it, and you hurt.

That’s why.

I’ll settle for The Southern Co-op going out of business. I take great delight in watching The Co-op Group moving into the area — their gentlemans agreement, expired. Diddums.

They hurt me.

They made me defend my grief when I was the one being bullied, and then they told me I was making it up.

I just want my apology.

Is that it? You’re so terribly angry for that?

And it is the repercussions of what they did.

I didn’t find easy to work in a funeral home, arranging the funerals of old ladies and gents, children — the trauma of death, their grief — after my gran and cousin James died. 3 months — wham wham. James’ death was particularly touching. I didn’t expect him to die en route to a meeting. No-one did. His hole is profound, it’s where quiet moments go.

And then I got bullied, and mine was no sophisticated bully — oh no, Janis really only wanted 2 part-timers and 1 full-timer in Fareham (it would given her an easier life), and I was full-time and so too Rosie, and she wouldn’t have been easy to oust; me, though. Easy target.

I stopped eating. I smoked heavily, and drank heavily, too. And she just kept on and on, deceiving and exploiting, until:

KA BOOM!

I lost it.

I lost control of my rage.

I got signed off work for stress — just because the words “mental breakdown” weren’t used by the doctor doesn’t mean I didn’t have one in my own little way. It wouldn’t stop, for one thing; the pain.

It’s been all change.

Things in my head should’ve improved when I started at Portsmouth Water, and they have — I am much better in myself — but I react differently, I think differently. I’m in many ways very much changed. Not all for the good.

It’s been all change when I’ve not known myself

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I blame the Co-op for releasing my anger.

For the laughter, of course, I give credit to life.

So what you going to do about it?

Well, it is highly probably that all this rage is triggering these vertigo migraine’s. Dr Garland says they’re stress induced and anger is highly stressful. Seems logical to me.

The Propopanol tablets act psychologically, too — I start feeling the rage and I think ‘calm’, and it’s making me quite reactive. I still go

KA BOOM!

But I’m aware it’s happening a little more positively now.

For the long term, I’m going to calm myself down. I don’t want to be taking tablets forever (they’re not the easiest of things to remember). Tai Chi should do it, I’m highly confident. It chilled me proper out back when I was a teen; there’s no reason why it shouldn’t do it again. July 6th — 9 days!

I also need to chill. I need to watch more movies, get into more series’, read more books — relax. I don’t really relax. I sit at the laptop not writing anything, getting frustrated.

Additional, I’m going to track my anger and attacks in a diary.

I still need to look into Talking Change. Consider my options.

And the appointment with the specialist is still pending.

There is half of me that still wants my apology. The other half knows I won’t get it, though. The Co-op won’t care, never did. Their charity is only for profit. But maybe the act of seeking it will assist. A nice little letter to the highest of heights. But then I don’t really see what I’d achieve. Another dig, another attack — wouldn’t this just be stress?

I need to let go of the Co-op, ultimately. I need to put the past behind me and grow. Distance myself, don’t get dragged back in — don’t confirm I was right.

So it’s all doom and gloom…

Hell no!

Some of this anger is glorious!

It worked on Amazon and I got £25 from Nationwide.

I need to stick up for myself and if I don’t agree then I should disagree — these are things I need, and they’re good.

I just don’t need to:

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Tomos James