Today, yesterday, Friday, Tuesday, Monday — today is the worst. I haven’t felt this bad since way back when this first started. It’s been weeks and weeks, if not a month.
Actually, vertigo’s amateur cousin. Vertigo proper is of the ear fluid while I’ve got it of the ear nerve. Apparently not as bad. Apparently I think that’s bullshit. I’m sorry but I’ve never had vertigo proper and I don’t want it. This. This right here is punishment enough.
The only blessing, since it is vertigo of the nerve, the room doesn’t spin when I’m lying down. Reprieve! I still feel nauseous but at least the room’s stable.
I can kind’a tell how I’m going to be throughout the day within moments of first getting out of bed. I have to stand and descend some stairs (my bed is above the room, very quaint), and then I have to walk a total of 10 steps to the living room to turn off the alarm that’s screaming for my attention.
If I can make this journey without stumbling down the stairs, walking into 2 doors, a coffee table, and a TV stand, then it’s a good day I’ll have.
If I can’t, it’s a shit day I’ll have.
Next, I can kind’a tell how I’ll be throughout the day with how I accept my toothbrush.
If I can clean my teeth without dry heaving or actual heaving, or any variation thereof, then it’s a good day I’ll have.
If I can’t, you get the picture.
Of course, none of this fool proof.
I’ve been only able to make it to the alarm clock by crawling on my hands and knees, and after about an hour the day proved to be alright.
I’ve projectile vomited after only brushing my back teeth and, after about an hour, the day proved to be alright.
So none of this helps me.
Some mornings start shit and others start good — means nothing.
This morning getting to the alarm clock was a challenge but doing my teeth was a breeze. My stomach was a knot and the sickness sat in my throat. It took me an hour to walk the 20 minutes to the train station. I don’t recall the part of work I managed. I recall only a floater in the toilet and being huddled in a ball.
Cycle — it’s a constant feeling better, feeling bad, feel—
It’s the nausea that gets me. It is so full of passion that I just want to die, I don’t know what else to do — if I was dead I wouldn’t be in such discomfort.
So what causes this?
Dr Garland (Dr #6) said that it is likely to be stress, diet, or hydration related.
I don’t think this vertigo likes alcohol, which is odd because that is a form of hydration — it’s liquid.
So I have upped my water intake from a fair bit to a hell of a lot — I’ve always been a water drinker but I’ve upped it more. I now always have a bottle.
And I’m improving my diet. I’m eating my vegetables but I just require more work with fruit. It’s not that I don’t like fruit but everything comes in multiples and I don’t really eat a great deal so they either go off or I’m bored of banana after poxy banana. Blurgh.
Both works in progress.
Dr Garland was quite insistent. He referred back to the notes concerning the time I was signed unfit for work due to stress when I was at the Co-op. He asked how I’ve been coping since.
The truth is I’ve coped as I cope, and I tend toward self-destructive. I over-analyse, that’s my problem, and I say that this is because I’m a writer but I’m not really doing that so I’m just over-analysing for the sake of it.
On the whole, though, I am much improved. I have mood swings now. Instead of just being wholly rancid these days I’m a great laugh until I turn. That’s an improvement.
Dr Garland asked if I felt stressed now and I said ‘no’.
We don’t notice everyday stress.
And he’s right.
We grow accustomed to the stresses that we regularly encounter. They become quite normal.
This poses a problem. If this vertigo is caused by a stress I don’t see then how can I destress myself?
Naturally, I’ve got to thinking.
Stress, vertigo & me
Having vertigo is stressful. It’s stressful feeling so sick, being sucked into things like I’m gravitating towards injury — running back and forth to the bog — this is all very stressful stuff.
Wanting it to end is stressful.
Not knowing what’s causing it is stressful.
Everything about vertigo is stress, stress, and a little more — just dandy when you’re vertigo is caused by stress.
And then there’s life. Life is stressful. Being accosted by the alarm is stressful. Being bored, too. Receiving a caution from work due to sickness is also a little stressful.
The people in the street who walk into you, who think it the perfect time to throw some comment because they’re fantastic, cause stress.
The train being delayed.
There’s no escaping stress, really.
On top of this, the Co-op. I have not been employed by them for over a year but they still feature highly in my thought process. When I was bereaved, instead of listening and dealing with my bully they took the same easy route she took and attacked my grief. According to them I didn’t manage it properly. I was a just too ambiguous. I told them to lose someone they loved suddenly and tragically and then tell me how to grieve. Fucking cheek. Heartless shits.
See? All comes back quite easily.
And in turn, the repercussions of all this. The main ones being my inability to explain myself, my anger, and my impatience, which brings about my anger. So it’s just my impatience and inability to explain.
I’d say my impatience was my biggest stress.
Then inability to explain myself.
Then anger, which is really impatience.
Then all the rest.
So what am I to do?
The problem I face is that when James and my gran died the Co-op, instead of supporting like an employer and funeral home, attacked my grief. I got bullied by a ‘manager’ and forced to prove my grief. This caused immeasurable turmoil, so much so that I had a mental breakdown and have been recovering every since.
Trying to explain myself every since.
Just trying to find words.
When Kayte was here she de-Co-op’d my flat. No more does my old name badge stick to my fridge, it’s in a box and put away. No more is my old tie hanging amongst my other ones. Bin.
I just don’t want to know.
No reminders of the Co-op is best.
I’m still working on how to explain myself better — I take forever and no matter what I explain I make it complicated. You’ve probably noticed that this whole post is complicated. Not exactly succinct. Could do with being a bit shorter. I’m not helping by rambling now.
I figure that I should keep at it. If I keep trying to explain then I’ll eventually explain it! Not being concise is more stressful than trying to be concise, so it’s an improvement.
My impatience. Now I’ve never been particularly patient — if I want something I’ve always wanted it NOW, but with people I was once patient. Not now. People have until they first annoy me before my tone changes, then my mood, then I shout. They have minutes if not seconds.
Stupid questions, no patience.
Ignorance, no patience.
An unexpected delay or change to plans, I have no patience for that.
I’m very free with my impatience, and very instant.
I don’t hold back, no sir.
And I don’t like it.
I liked my patience with people.
I don’t know how to get it back.
In the meantime I’m removing myself as my impatience grows — home is the best place but anywhere out of sight is good.
I’m also going to start Tai Chi on July 6th. I’d do it this week but they’re a few weeks into the programme and I’d like to start at the beginning, and it begins again in July.
I did Tai Chi as a teen and it proper mellowed me out. I’m hoping for the same again.
I’ve got an appointment with Dr Garland on Wednesday and I’m hoping to get some form of letter that explains what I’ve got. Portsmouth Water have every right to know what is going on, and so their caution is understandable, it’s just that being unemployed would be stressful and I can’t click my fingers and be better.
I’m also arranging a second opinion from the company doctor. A little full disclosure might buy me some time, you know?
With the vertigo — the nausea and dizziness — I don’t know.
I just don’t know what to do.
The tablets make me so drowsy that I’m asleep not long after, so they’re not much use. I’m not much use if I’m curled up in a ball. I’m just as useless when I’m trying to make the world stay still.
I can’t lie down everywhere I go.
I’m a little stuck to being on my feet.
I suppose, when it comes to this vertigo, all I can do is: