Lesson 01: Unlock the mind — what’s the purpose of this blog?

I’ve decided that I don’t know what I’m doing — never known — so I’m learning. I’m discovering this blogging business. It’s been 2 years in June, definitely high time.

Writing 101: Build a Blogging Habit

That’s where I’m starting. Apparently the aim is to get me blogging every day — I don’t know how I feel about this. That’s a lot of days of not knowing what to say.

Lesson One ‘Unlock the mind’ — free write. 20 minutes of it. No thinking. To be honest, been sat on this for a few weeks doing exactly that. Also, stopwatch has a pause button — I am following the rules just my own version of them, and I’m only pausing to edit.

That’s one of my problems — spontaneity, I kill it with thought. I kill more through editing. I kill even more through inaction. I kill a lot every day.

In the spirit of this learning stuff knew, I’m going to press start in a minute and I’m not going to hit pause. I’ve got myself a question to answer and a deadline — 15m 40s. Do I make myself a cup of tea? I think I should…

Okay, so I’ve made a cuppa and had a little sing-song to loosen my mind (Swinging on a star, Bing Crosby) and my heart is racing — the anticipation of not editing — oh my God, nervous much?

Without further stalling — I can stall for a lifetime — I’m hitting pause on the music, hitting start on the stopwatch, and answering:

What is the purpose of this blog?

Shrug.

I counter: What is the purpose of life?

The passage of existence — the trial of hours. Something that doesn’t make sense.

In short, there is no defined purpose here — I tried a purpose and I killed it. Over-thought it. Under-thought it. Fucked it up somehow, that’s true.

I’ve had this blog since 2008 and it is something I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t.

After Grandma Bishop and my cousin James died at the beginning of 2015 (more James because he died nearer my age) I got spurred into starting blogging proper.

I was sitting at home writing away where nothing happens — no-one actually reading what I was writing and that, in my mind, made me only half a writer.

So I started on June 5th — I had no idea what I was going to write so I wrote a little poem. Since then I’ve written lots of little poems. Maybe, because of all the poems, poetry should be the purpose of this blog? Lol — I’m sorry but I’m no good at poetry. Some of them have been categorised by Amnesty International as torture.

I first wanted a blog about writing but I don’t know enough about writing so I wanted a blog about funerals — I wanted to try and make the funeral arrangements less daunting, open up what happens so they’re easier with knowledge, but I killed that dead. Actually circumstance killed it dead; I lost all inspiration.

And so the Co-op happened — I was employed by them to arrange funerals and after my own bereavements I got bullied by this vicious little witch of manager called Janis, and one thing led to another and I had a breakdown, put in a grievance, got told I was grieving wrong, and lost my voice in the process.

A blog with no direction has even less direction when you hate every word you say.

I persevered with writing — blogging barely happened — but I tried to find order in my mind by writing down all of my broken sentences. Worked, eventually. I recommend it if you need it but be warned that it takes time. Writing things down does help as long as you don’t stop until it does.

Amongst the self-hatred and everything else that comes with a breakdown that original spur spurred again — James didn’t get stopped by anything. The only thing that stopped him got told on the news.

So I wrote. Since In lieu of care I’ve just kind’a reacted — put up the odd poem, short story, clutched a few straws. Very reactive.

I’ve found reason here. After I stopped glossing things over I found a bit of mind-control, which is nice. It’s amazing what happens when you stop silencing yourself.

So what’s the purpose?

Life.

I counter with: What’s the purpose of life?

Brings me back to nonsense — existence and strife. Reaction.

this me I be

Written all lower case (except the ‘I’, of course).


Lesson debrief

I needed to pause for a pee, I’ve drunk a lot of tea and water today. I’m trying to hydrate myself, the doctor said it might help with vertigo’s amateur cousin, and I love tea.

Also, it took a little longer than 15m 40s. Kind’a got carried away and I didn’t un-pause after my pee.

With regards to editing — I didn’t finish a few words, so I finished typing them, and I got ‘their’ and they’re’ muddled around, and I’d a plague of comma’s, but other than that I’ve barely meddled.

Since I sort of answered my question, and taking the above into account, I give myself a B. I’ve always been a B student — middle ground is best. Shows you have a nice mix of fun and serious.

The next lesson is something about a setting — it’s called ‘A room with a view (or just a view)’.

Hmm. I’m going to let tomorrow Tomos worry about that.