The hatred of my inner ear, ongoing

I got in a taxi yesterday and that was enough to set everything back off. It was like my visit to the dentist all over again, weaving down the road because I couldn’t walk straight.

So to update on what my inner ear dislikes:

  1. Dentists
  2. Taxis now but I assume cars in general
  3. Phone calls
  4. Movement like breathing
  5. Betahistine
  6. Me

Of all of it, it is the sickness I can’t handle. The severity and uncertainty of it, the taste of bile in my mouth. The heaving and hurting, that feeling that just makes me want to cry. I hate feeling sick. I hate actually being sick more but feeling it is right up there.

It is constant — it is placid as just an unease but then it bubbles and boils, and froths until it’s at the back of my throat burning and brimming, threatening to leave; and then it calms to placid until a ripple forms and it bubbles again…

It is a constant back and forth to the toilet. Sometimes I’m sick but most times I’m not. Most times I’m left doubled over wishing it would stop.

And it demands my whole attention. When placid I can ignore it but as it bubbles and boils it takes over my mind and it’s all I can think about until it’s time to start heading to the toilet. Should I go now? No, yes — will I make it? Did I leave it too late? Am I actually going to throw up? I get up because you’ll usually find me sitting these days and I’ve got no balance, and I should’ve left for the toilet long ago.

My body aches. I’m hot and cold, clammy in places. I feel rotten.

I was prescribed 3 Stemetils a day and yesterday I’d popped 2 by 1130.

I’ve been back to the doctor and I’m still signed off, and the dosage of Stemetil has been increased — the doctor was a little surprised that I hadn’t just taken more pills but like I told him, I follow instructions.

Tomos James