Today – # I don’t know after the Bereavement Centre

It is funny — not ha ha hilarious, but I don’t know — how very randomly the tears fall but don’t fall, more brim and stop me.

It was only last night, as I was sort of falling asleep, that I was praising myself (if ‘praise’ is what one should do) that I was sleeping much better and that I was eating much better — I’ve been getting my eight hours and I’m eating two meals now, whoop! Breakfast and supper :c) — and then I awoke rather unrefreshed, I recall most of the interim hours, and I’ve spent today very much uninterested in food. It is only now that I’ve realised I’ve not eaten, and should really eat something. Only now…

I’ve drunk tea, though — actually, stewed Earl Grey —  so that’s something, and copious amounts of it. If I could ever morph into a teabag, today is the day!

Sometimes — and this isn’t every day — there’s this sadness within me that just likes to say ‘hello’, and when it visits I’m reminded of my loss. I speak here of the deaths of my gran and cousin last year, more so James because, as I say at the beginning of In lieu of care, I can accept my gran dying, I can’t accept him leaving.

Today, I found myself welling up at NCIS and their latest episode, in which DiNozzo’s identity had been stolen. DiNozzo, naturally, was having difficulty adjusting to this as murders occurred left, right, and centre, under his name. In one scene McGee was comforting DiNozzo and concluded by saying that he considered him to be his best friend.

Later this very same day I found myself being asked why I’d left my last job, and that answer isn’t as straightforward as I’d like. I said:

After the deaths of my gran and cousin last year I just found the job I was doing was getting harder and harder, and I felt (more so after my cousin’s death) that I was getting too caught up in my own feelings and not placing them sufficiently aside for the families in need of my help. After he died I arranged the funeral of a young lad who committed suicide, a young boy who left his mum, and then a lady killed in a car crash, amongst others, and the car crash was very close to home. I did my best for these families, but it got to the point that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to choose between the job I loved and myself, and in that decision I found that the best of me I can give whilst not seeing death everyday but in the way I treat people.

A little long-winded, of course! I am nothing if not long-winded or utterly blunt — I would like to explain it all quicker but I can’t. Those words just seem to fall out, and in them I find such hurt and truth — I just, I don’t know, I would just like things to be different.

Easier, I suppose, but who am I to want ease over those more in need?

But then on my IPad comes Calon Lân — I love this hymn, sorry Shaun! — and then Uptight (Everything’s alright), and after a bit of a sing song, a bit of a boogie around the room, the latter is right — baby, everything is alright, uptight, out of sight.

Right, enough talking — Tomos needs to eat, bath, fake tan, and do a load of other things that should make him feel better.

Tomos James