Writing ‘A look back — me, a former funeral co-ordinator, reminiscing…’

When I have an emotional something to deal with I am not one to rest on my laurels — it is my natural tendency, as a writer, to explore these emotions the moment they arise and to follow them wherever they may lead me, and to not let up until it is all written down and said. Some emotions I twist into my stories, others into ‘poems’ (I’m no poet), and the rest get written into posts. I sit before my computer writing it all down, re-writing it, and re-writing it all over again, and again, until it is written — I spend my waking hours of every day doing this, and in so doing I do make things worse for myself, it is true, and I really do berate myself for not being able to voice what I feel, but then one day I find I can say it, and then I discover that I’m fine.

My want to write things out and voice it all so quickly doesn’t in anyway solve the emotions I feel within, but with them written down I see that I have given them a voice, and then they become a conversation, and I can partake there because I can converse with anyone, especially with myself.

What I discover in my writings doesn’t all end up in the final draft, but that’s never the point — all I ever do is aim to voice it, and to those bits that get written out, well, I’m sorry, but that’s just how your voice spoke. Not everything can get mentioned, even if they should, but we met each other and spent time together, so you’re all still a part of the conversation.

When it came to this post it was the ending that blinded me to the good I’ve done, and my every attempt was so full of anger and so full of pain, and was in no way the measure of what I wanted to say.

A few days ago I was speaking to Kyela and she was very forceful in her concern that I was still so very angry and still so very full pain, especially when it can’t be denied that I’m now 100% out of that situation, and although in that conversation I did willingly list every reason why I had every right to still be angry, to still feel this pain inside, I got to thinking — actually, to writing — and after a few re-writes, out came that post. Does it say everything? No, nowhere near, but it says what it needs to, and it is written, and that’s all that matters.

I was trying to deny the ending’s right to shine when I shouldn’t, when an ending is an ending however it appears, and I should’ve been embracing it for what it was.

I did good whilst working in a funeral home — I did myself and my loved ones proud — and this can never be taken away from me, and it is only upon Kyela’s words did I see it, did I find a way to say it.

Kyela, you are a really beautiful person who just says it as you see it, and in your bluntness you made me find the words for something I couldn’t voice — you made me see the truth, you made me embrace the ending, and you gave me the kick I needed.

Thank you.

Today, I’m an even bigger advocate for writing — words are so powerful. They can evoke joy and pain, and they can provoke conversation — most of all, words don’t lie, they just say it as it is. Words give emotions a voice, and once with a voice they become easier to deal with, they become a conversation, and in conversation we can all find reason.

Tomos James