EXCLUSIVE: The neighbourhood squealer, revealed!

The Garden Gate Committee triumph again!

Weeks of disturbance are finally over but some think the GGC are hiding the truth.

Since mid-October, the residents of our Southsea street have found their nights disturbed by a high-pitched scream-moaning bleeding through the sleepy peace.

“If you haven’t heard it,” Mr & Mrs Owens of 72 said in unison, “then you should count yourself lucky. It gives us a fright, we’ll tell you – it sounds like a pig being slaughtered but much more moany and ghostly, and I don’t imagine whatever’s making it looks as cute as a pig.”

“It sounds like the apocalypse is coming,” Widow Coombes of 16, said. “Dogs howl themselves hoarse, I hear them from my bed choking, and it is so upsetting; and cats freeze to the spot – it’s frightening! Absolutely terrifying! Even the foxes don’t come round here anymore to row like they used to – the whole street is crumbling apart and losing its soul.”

In addition to the above, The Tattler have received exclusive reports of damage to homes, ranging from chewed-through doorframes to soiled carpets.

Miss Tee, a local trainee veterinarian assistant, explained the probable cause behind these unusual animal reactions: “It’s because they’re frightened – animals either go crazy or they poop themselves, pretty much, when they’re shitting it.”

Mr Leafman added: “I just want to say, and this will only add to the spooky goings on here – you ready? I live over a mile away and our street lights flicker.”

The effects of these nightly disturbances here are farther reaching still.

“My cousin in Suffolk says her chickens haven’t laid an egg in weeks,” Mrs Moira of she wouldn’t say, said. “And these ghostly moans have been groaning here these past few weeks at night, and the GGC say that this is all supposed to be a coincidence? I don’t think so – I’m afraid to go to bed at night! When the screams come I get this feeling something other-wordly is going to happen; you know, that the aliens are coming to kill us.”

A little child ran away screaming in response to our questions about the possible alien invasion.

Mrs Selsey, Chairwoman of the Garden Gate Committee, had only this to say about the possible alien invasion: “You hear this from Moira?”

So, if the aliens don’t show, what’s been making these eerie nightly sounds?

Rumours have been doing the rounds for some weeks that hint to where these sounds may originate (number 7), and there’s been further speculation that these sounds are due to a duo partaking in acts of vigorous coitus.

Mrs Selsey made this statement on behalf of the Garden Gate Committee, stood before the gate and residents:

“Since this nightly disturbance first plagued our street back in mid-October, the Garden Gate Committee have met regularly to discuss our ongoing response to this distressing situation.

“Today, I am pleased to announce that at 19:23 last evening a young lady with a voice worse than nails on a chalkboard became known to our undercover agents, who promptly detained her.

“She was brought before the Committee this morning to hear the charges against her, and she apologises unreservedly. She wishes I make this shrill statement on her behalf. It reads: ‘Yeah so, I’m sorry – he’s really hung you know, knows what he’s doing. So, I can’t promise anything, but I promise to and moan less passionately in the future. Loves, Sally K xx.’

“We have followed our inquiry up with a strongly worded letter, and we politely suggest that she adheres to our requests for harmony. We are satisfied that this brings to an end this period of residential unrest, but should it not, the vet’s agreed to remove her larynx for nothing.”

The reaction amongst the crowd gathered was mixed.

Some praised the GGC for their swift work in apprehending the culprit, some questioned whether the removal of Sally K’s larynx would truly ensure nightly peace and quite, and some smelled a cover up.

“Which house, number 7?” Mr Hopewhy of 47 called out, but Mrs Selsey declined to confirm or deny any rumours.

“I noticed, no mention of the alien invasion,” Mrs Moira said. “People will die because they’re hiding the truth from the public.”

Mr Leafman thought this of the GGC’s statement: “Ludicrous! Absolutely ludicrous – I live a mile away and nothing has changed for me. The real problem is, they’re all busybodies, like everyone else in power. All day they stand at their gates with nothing better to do than gossip. They don’t actually do anything worthwhile. They don’t work for the people.”

“Oh, we don’t know,” Mr & Mrs Owens said together, “we think the Garden Gate Committee did what they could as quickly as they could with the resources they had available. Everyone has had to make cuts these days, just look at the Government.”

As of going to press this morning, there have been no reports of any disturbances during the night, and no reports of any destruction to homes.

What do you think?

Will the peace last?

Only time will tell.

UPDATE 13/12 14:16 – The Kitchen Table Council has called for an inquiry into the handling of this eerie nightly disturbance, citing their mistrust in Mrs Selsey, and in turn the GGC, after she was forced to admit last week that she’d deceived the Church Fair when she told them her mince pies were homemade when in fact she’d purchased them from Waitrose.

Mrs Selsey was unavailable for comment when we enquired.


LEAFMAN 13/12 14:17 – The real question on everyones’ lips is, when will the GGC put up the christmas decorations in their living rooms? No word if we’re even celebrating the holiday yet!

SELSEY 13/12 14:18 – The 16th, and go home – you don’t live here.

LEAFMAN 13/12 14:19 – What are you going to do about my street lights?

SELSEY 13/12 14:20 – You don’t live here – bother your own committee!

LEAFMAN 13/12 14:21 – And THIS is how the GGC treat their subjects – disgusting.

WISEME 13/12 14:18 – What I don’t understand is, how would the sound travel out into space?

MOIRA 13/12 14:19 – That’s simple, convection.

WISEME 13/12 14:21 – Convection?

MOIRA 13/12 14:22 – Yep, the simple process of convection – sound travels up, you see.

WISEME 13/12 14:23 – And into space?

MOIRA 13/12 14:24 – Yep, the aliens have these hoover things that suck up sound. Looks a bit like a carpet cleaner but much, much bigger.

WISEME 13/12 14:25 – How do you know all this?

MOIRA 13/12 14:26 – They showed me when they beamed me aboard.

HOPEWHY 13/12 14:19 – I want to know which house Sally K lives in, is it number 7? Why are people keeping it a secret?

SAMWRIGHT 13/12 14:20 – It’s about time the KTC did something about the GGC! They are out of control! They have serious questions to answer – I don’t trust them.

FAITHSAY 13/12 14:21 – Agree, agree, agree! I was present when Selsey told the Church her mince pies were homemade. She’d unpacked them and put them on a beautiful plate, sprinkled with caster sugar – she knew what she was doing. What else is she hiding from us?

SAMWRIGHT 13/12 14:22 – And don’t forget the one-way fiasco – how much did that really cost? I for one don’t accept their excuses. They need to be held accountable!

FAITHSAY 13/12 14:23 – They always protect their own.

SAMWRIGHT 13/12 14:24 – They need reform, and I think Selsey should step down immediately.

OWENS 13/12 14:25 – We think the GGC do a fantastic job with the resources they have available.

FAITHSAY 13/12 14:26 – Owens, you both always do!

HOPEWHY 13/12 14:34 – Hello? Is no-one going to answer me?

Tomos James