Since seeing Ingrid I’ve decided that life isn’t that bad and that I am a fool.
I am a fool because I have that one weekend that I’ve taken as a broken promise when I’m a writer who could easily faux that up good.
“James, sir – oyster – what shall we do?”
And now life – well, the world is so cruel and it is difficult but I’m searching for the little beauties hidden throughout the days and when I spot them I make certain to enjoy them, whenever and wherever I find them.
The problem is, I’m notoriously unobservant when otherwise engaged.
I’ve dwelled on my faults – sorry Ingrid, I did exactly what you told me not to do – and I beat myself black and blue. Luckily, a lot of what I found amongst the pain was what I already knew – a perk of being a writer – and I found a lot of things that I thought I knew, that I’d forgotten or misconstrued, and I discovered a few things I loathe.
I’m quite bitter and angry, I’ve noticed – the product of everything, I’m not sure – I never used to be like this.
I used to have wit.
If we clicked – wit.
Where did all that go?
I do sometimes feel like I’m shaking myself and I’m an empty, rattling shell.
There are times when anger is justified – for the unconstructive I’ve taken to slapping my wrist. It is bruised, but the lingering sting does remind me that Tomos here is a naughty Tomos who shouldn’t be thinking such horrid thoughts – I need to stop dwelling, it tells me.
I found one more thing among my faults – I’m not at fault for everything, I can’t be, it’s impossible.
Of bygone wrongs I am letting go – the slapping helps – and I will start afresh with everyone.
Objectives for Today
- Keep cool, calm, & collected.
- Achieve a goal – a little part of a goal or just a snippet. Achieve something towards regaining control.
- Stay focused.
- Don’t dwell.
- Roll with it – this is the important one.