Since Counselling – Day 15

TBC

Since seeing Ingrid I’ve decided that life isn’t that bad and that I am a fool.

I am a fool because I have that one weekend that I’ve taken as a broken promise when I’m a writer who could easily faux that up good.

“James, sir – oyster – what shall we do?”

And now life – well, the world is so cruel and it is difficult but I’m searching for the little beauties hidden throughout the days and when I spot them I make certain to enjoy them, whenever and wherever I find them.

The problem is, I’m notoriously unobservant when otherwise engaged.

I’ve dwelled on my faults – sorry Ingrid, I did exactly what you told me not to do – and I beat myself black and blue. Luckily, a lot of what I found amongst the pain was what I already knew – a perk of being a writer – and I found a lot of things that I thought I knew, that I’d forgotten or misconstrued, and I discovered a few things I loathe.

I’m quite bitter and angry, I’ve noticed – the product of everything, I’m not sure – I never used to be like this.

I used to have wit.

If we clicked – wit.

Where did all that go?

I do sometimes feel like I’m shaking myself and I’m an empty, rattling shell.

There are times when anger is justified – for the unconstructive I’ve taken to slapping my wrist. It is bruised, but the lingering sting does remind me that Tomos here is a naughty Tomos who shouldn’t be thinking such horrid thoughts – I need to stop dwelling, it tells me.

Indifference.

I found one more thing among my faults – I’m not at fault for everything, I can’t be, it’s impossible.

Of bygone wrongs I am letting go – the slapping helps – and I will start afresh with everyone.

Clean slate.

Ownership now.

 


Objectives for Today

  1. Love
  2. Laugh.
  3. Enjoy.
  4. Keep cool, calm, & collected.
  5. Achieve a goal – a little part of a goal or just a snippet. Achieve something towards regaining control.
  6. Stay focused.
  7. Don’t dwell.
  8. Roll with it – this is the important one.

 

Tomos James